


Sad Songs : Black butler

by SouthernLolita



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alzheimer's Disease, Drug Use, Multi, SO SAD, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, oh them feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 39,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthernLolita/pseuds/SouthernLolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This first little short piece kinda reminiscent of some things going on in my family . For anyone whom has had to see a loved one battle Alzheimer or any form of Dementia it is a heart breaking thing . So i wanted to express this in this little short piece .</p>
<p>This is a Grell x Undertaker pairing . With hinted Grell x William in the end , mainly fluff bxb so if you don't likes it don't read it .</p>
<p>i do not own Kuroshitsuji , any of its characters no do i profit from this in any way .</p>
<p>Song featured is Please Remember me ,by, Tim Mcgraw . also i do not own or claim to . so enjoy .</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Just some songs that remind me of this series and parings, i have written these over time, some will include lyrics though most wont. I hope you will enjoy them and prepare for them feels.!


	2. ~Please Remember Me~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first little short piece kinda reminiscent of some things going on in my family . For anyone whom has had to see a loved one battle Alzheimer or any form of Dementia it is a heart breaking thing . So i wanted to express this in this little short piece .
> 
> This is a Grell x Undertaker pairing . With hinted Grell x William in the end , mainly fluff bxb so if you don't likes it don't read it .
> 
> i do not own Kuroshitsuji , any of its characters no do i profit from this in any way .
> 
> Song featured is Please Remember me ,by, Tim Mcgraw . also i do not own or claim to . so enjoy .

_When all our tears have reached the sea_  
Part of you will live in me    
Way down deep inside my heart    
The days keep coming without fail    
A new wind is gonna find your sail    
That's where your journey starts

100 years , that's how they had together . In Grell Sutcliffs opinion it wasn't enough , the one man who had ever even let the little red head embrace him . Only man to ever once show him an ounce of kindness ,even called him Miss. A century was like a summer breeze , sweet and fleeting .

It had started not long after they began living with each other , little things the silver man would misplace . Errors in the order forms for the funeral supplies, Grell really didn't notice . Everyone regarded the legend as a bit of a mad man so a bit of odd behavior didn't seem out of the ordinary. A far cry from the reaper he used to be Undertaker him self often spoke of his own madness , but to the Crimson death god he was beautiful . Every quirk ,every scar, Undertaker was everything to him and he had never seen it until that day in the rain . The day that everything had changed .

 

**~Grell Sutcliff looked like a shadow of his former self , it had been just over 15 yrs since Sebastian had left to hell with his newly demonic little Lord . William was just as cold as ever , and with out Eric or Alan . The red head felt lost , he hadn't reported back to dispatch in weeks he didn't even think anyone would miss him .**

**Standing there in the rain on the bridge he sat looking down into the dark water of the harbor,turning over the little red handle scissors in his hand . Grell was in his more human disguise not a trace of red on the once vibrant reaper . He had no idea he was being watched .**

**" I'm so sorry , Will, Ronny ...but I just can't do this anymore . I can't force the smiles ,I'm so lonely and no one even cares to see it . " He said to him self while processing the tip of the scissor against his chest .**

**"I wouldn't say no one m'dear " A voice came out of the darkness behind the reaper .**

**Grell turned his head to see the Legend perched on the railing his usual broad smirk gone replaced with a look of sorrow .**

**"...Un..Undertaker? why are.." Before Grell could even speak a hand found its way around his wrists pulling the scissors safely away from there target as well as hoisting the reaper up into a waiting lap .**

**Grells blush darkend as he looked up at the rain soaked silver bangs hiding the beautiful eyes he knew where there .**

**"It doesn't mater why little one , I'm just glad i am . Your to beautiful to die so pitifully , there's to much life still left in you . You and I, we are so alike and i curse myself for not saying this sooner. But you Miss Sutcliff should never be alone and if you will permit me I would like to make sure of that " Undertaker spoke kindly pushing his rain slicked fringe from his face looking into grells eyes .**

**The moment there lips met , it was if the heavens themselves opened warming the coldness they both had lived with for so long .~**

_You'll find better love_  
Strong as it ever was    
Deep as the river runs    
Warm as the morning sun    
Please remember me

Even now thinking back Grell pressed his ruby fingers to his lips , the memory . The taste was warm and sweet bold yet gentle . That's how it always was for all those years , even when things began to change . It had never occurred to him that even reapers could suffer so , looking back he knew he should have realized something . From the fact that there where so few elder reapers like Undertaker left . He had always chalked it up to the dangers of the job for the mortality of his fellow shinigami .

But watching the strong charming funeral director over time becoming , confused ,lost in his own mind , broke his heart . No matter how he tried to hide the truth from everyone around them . Caring for his lover with all the tenderness he had .

_Just like the waves down by the shore_  
We're gonna keep on coming back for more   
Cause we don't ever wanna stop    
Out in this brave new world you seek    
Oh the valleys and the peaks    
And I can see you on the top

He had done everything , thought the good days and the bad sometimes it would be months between when they would be happy . Then it happened , the thing that made Grell realize things were out of his hands .

**~He had come home late from work ,entering the dark apartment above the funeral parlor . Yawning slightly while hanging up his jacket , His red coat of Madam Reds had long since been replaced by a well tailored knee length black jacket with bright red lining .**

**Grell let out a gasp as he turned around to see the bissiness end of Undertakers scythe millimeters from the bridge of his nose .**

**" What are you doing! you scared the day lights out of me!" He shouted trying to steep back only to see a glimpse of the contorted and confused face in a flash of headlights as a car pasted illuminating the windows of the apartment .**

**"Who are you ! " the ancient reaper barked not wavering the grip on his scythe .**

**"What..Undi .. ..its me Grell... honey this is our home please ...Remember me .." Grell felt the tears stinging the corners of his eyes as he lifted a hand to the arched blade in front of him to gently push it away .**

**The Reaper growled pulling the style away the razor edge glided over Grells palms causing the red head to recoil in pain . As the blood dripped to the floor its coppery scent rising in the air a moment of clarity registered over the embalmers face .**

**Sending away his weapon the ancient rushed to his lovers side fighting his own tears .Seeing the blood pooling in the redheads hands. Caused by him , the one promise he had made to never hurt his rose , betrayed by his own mind .**

**"Grell...I...I'm sorry .." He wrapped his arms around the slighter mans shoulders and the two cried slipping to there knees there in the entry way of the apartment. Holding one to one another for dear life.**

**This was the beginning of the end .~**

_You'll find better love_  
Strong as it ever was    
Deep as the river runs    
Warm as the morning sun    
Please remember me

When they had arrived at the dispatch office after the incident at the apartment . Undertaker had looked utterly defeated , his usual broad smile nonexistent .He was afraid of what he could have done , knowing very well he could have killed his little rose .  

Even William had been taken aback by the look on the couples faces , Both who used to be the most colorful reapers he had ever known . Sat in his office with expressions filled with grief , and worry . After realizing what was happening the stoic reaper did what he could to help them and maintain the mens privacy on the matter . He respected Undertaker to much to have the legend simply placed in a facility . And try as he might to deny it he always held a place in his heart for Grell, despite his own inability to express it .

The private room near the infirmary was quiet and plain . Grell remembered it from when Alan humphries was alive , When the brunette would be ill for weeks or months from the thorns . This would become there home in those last days . Now standing in they all out side the door knowing what waited he let a tear slip thinking of that first day.

**"This isn't so bad right , there's a nice view of the trees in the courtyard from here , You'll see it will be nice once i get some color in here . Not to mention my office is close so if you ever feel like it you can come up and see me during the day ." the red head piped walking around the small apartment.**

**He looked back at the gray man seated on the bed starring into nothing a frown crossing his lips . The red reaper strode over placing him self on the legends lap wrapping his arms around his neck.**

**" Please smile for me , I know this was hard coming back here but , think about it this way . Will dear was really nice about this and Ronni is happy your here so you will have a lot of visitors ..and .."**

**Grell was stopped by a long black nail pressed to his lips .**

**"I know m'dear I know this is for the best . Come on now , give us a kiss . " He smiled then and there lips met , just like all the times before the warm wash of emotion that seemed to make everything alright .**

_Remember me when you're out walkin'_  
When the snow falls high outside your door    
Late at night when you're not sleepin'    
And moonlight falls across your floor    
When I can't hurt you anymore

Time passed for the pair but it wasn't easy . Eventually Grell when off active reaping to stay in the office or work from the apartment . William didn't mind in fact he had never seen Sutcliff so focused and it worried him. Seeing his once obnoxious friend growing more and more subdued . 

Undertaker had taken to sleeping most of the day , and from the look on grells face every morning when he came in the office the nights must have been difficult . William and Ronald helped when they could ,visiting and keeping the man company when Grell couldn't . Even they saw the change had become profound .  

Days William would have to tell the aged Shinigami he no longer worked there and that's why he didn't have his glasses . Or days Ronald would have to re introduce him self four or five times to then have the grey reaper simply stare out the window in the middle of their conversation .  

For Grell it became normal , that was the saddest of all .

**"Hi baby , I'm home . Did you eat something today ." The red head spoke with a gentle smile crawling up onto the bed next to his lover running his fingers through the silvery strands of hair over the pillow , chancing a glance over to the disgaurded breakfast untouched from that morning .**

**He would lean over his red locks cascading around the scared face that stared up at him with a smile . " my my what a beautiful thing you are m'dear , coming to see an old creeper like me ." eh hehehe ."**

**" I couldn't stay away , I love you to much remember ." the red head would say placing a gentle kiss on cool lips his finger traveling the scar on the elders face lovingly . The quiet moment they would share each day .**

**Until the last day .**

_You'll find better love_  
Strong as it ever was    
Deep as the river runs    
Warm as the morning sun    
Please remember me  

**"Sutcliff, I cant believe I'm saying this but hand me the employee roster , we have a death on the list today for inside the building and i don't recognize the name ." William announced standing in the doorway of Grells office .**

**The red head smirked spinning around in his chair snatching a binder from the shelf .**

**"My William now your getting old , you know practically everyone . Maybe its one of the trainees going to have a scythe accident. Wouldn't be the first time . Whats the name? "**

**"Damien Craven " Will said smoothly**

**There was a thud of the binder being dropped to the floor causing the stoic reaper to look up seeing his subordinate crumple to his knees holding a hand over his mouth as tears flooded from his eyes .**

**"Grell! " William rushed to the mans side grabbing his shoulders , but when those horror struck eyes met his , the dark haired reaper knew..**

**"Its..him isn't it ...Grell? "**

**Grell began sobbing in Williams arms , The only thing the usually stone faced reaper could do was hold the other man who was falling apart in his arms . Even William felt tears pricking in his own eyes.**

**"it has to be me that dose it Will.,, please , no one els can take him . Please William " the crimson shinigami finally managed to croak out**

**"I understand , take the day alright and,you can give the the report when you can .But Grell , please don't , do anything rash after please ." William had a bit of a shake in his voice worried what the red head might do .**

**"Don't worry Will ,I wont . I made that promise "**

     So now he stood there in the quiet white hallway , pressing his forehead to the front door, his memories trailing from his eyes through bitter tears . He knew what was waiting on the other side , he hadn't even noticed William quietly following .   
       The stoic man. standing at the end of the long hall watching biting back the emotion he couldn't dare slip . He knew if he broke there would be no hope for Grell when he exited that room .    
  
       The red  head turned the knob and stepped in , it was warm and inviting , Grell had done his best to make the place feel like home . His heart kept at the sound of a slight cough coming from the bed room. he both wanted to run to and from the sound , his conflicted heart breaking with each steep that brought him into the door way . Each heavy foot fall inching him closer to the bed they shared.  
  
"Welcome home love , " Undertaker looked over with half lidded eyes as his little red lover crawled up next to him .   
" Whats the matter my rose "  his soft voice filled grells ears causing another sob to catch in his throat .   
  
    The red head sat up looking down at the elder reaper taking his larger hands in his . They where rough and scared  but had elegant long fingers  adored with long nails black with age .  Sutcliff sat there for some time  admiring those hands before gracing a kiss on the knuckles . Unable to hold the tears that slid down his cheeks onto the cooler flesh of the elder .   
  
Those long fingers he loved so much reached up wiping away a tear turning the grief stricken face .  As green eyes meet green eyes there was a knowing look that crossed the legends face  curling his lips in a gentle smile .   
  
" I see, I sensed this coming  please don't cry m'dear , not for me never for me ."  Lacing his aged fingers in locks of crimson , pulling the slighter man against his chest .  
  
"How cant I, you know its rude to leave a lady unattended like this , I'll be alone again with out you . It isn't fair . " Grell griped the red bed sheet snuggling into his lovers chest , listening to his breathing and heartbeat , memorizing the sound , etching it into his very soul .  
  
"I ..can remember the day you became a reaper , did i ever tell you that . Your last day as a human , I was the one who reaped you , you where one of my last . When you changed  and i saw that lovely little lithe boy at my feet in the snow I thought my very heart would burst .You where so unique ,still are and always will be .  I'm glad its you  now  that's come for me . " Undertaker said softly stroking the crimson locks .  
   
Grell shifted moving up to face the elder man . Placing a kiss on his cheek before snuggling into the crook of his neck . " I'll never forget ,I'll never love another the way I love you ."  
  
" Please remember love , you shouldn't be alone you have to much passion for that m'dear. You don't have to forget , but please don't close your heart off . You will promise an old man that wont you, my last request that you will let love come to you my rose . " Undertaker held the slighter man with what strength he had  a traitor tear slipping from the corner of his own acid green eyes .  
  
There eyes met one last time as Grell stroked his lovers face tracing the scar that lay there . "Its almost time . One last kiss before parting my  silver prince ? "  
  
"Anything for you my lady ." He said with a broad smile .  
  
 "I love you Damien .." Grell held a bitter sweet smile   
  
"I love you  Grell"     
  
There lips met tenderly parting in a final deep kiss, the salty taste of tears and the sweetness of the years they shared . When Grell pulled away he brushed a hand back through the silver fringe of his love , watching the mans eyes gently close  .   "Goodnight my love .."  
  
      Grell lay there quietly next to the man he had loved for some time before gathering the cinematic record . A small nic on the legends palm with his scissors, releasing the reels of film .  He smiled fondly watching the memories, Laughing and crying until the end  .   
    He finally exited the room ,to find Ronald and William seated on the floor with the backs against the wall ,  he smiled fainted  when they stood . He couldn't hold himself any longer and was grateful when the two caught him as he collapsed  .   
    Undertaker was right, Grell would never be alone again because everyone who had loved the Legendary reaper , loved him as well . They would all remember the elder, his laugh , his rebellious nature , and the Love for a Crimson Shinigami.  
  


_You'll find better love_  
Strong as it ever was    
Deep as the river runs    
Warm as the morning sun    
Please remember me  ...... _Please remember me  ._

 


	3. ~Red~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't own Black butler or RED by Taylor Swift . or Will dear would have blasted it from a boombox over his head like a cheesy chick flick to make my Grell darling love him .

**Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street**   
**Faster than the wind**   
**Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly**   
**Loving him is like trying to change your mind**   
**Once you're already flying through the free fall**   
**Like the colors in autumn**   
**So bright just before they lose it all**

"Say it " Grell Sutcliff demanded with a little pout his arms around the neck of his stoic supervisor and now lover . He held a grin pressing into Williams back who now set on the edge of the bed having tried to get up unsuccessfully to begin preparing for the day .

" I don't see why i have to you already know , after all I let you stay here with out argument . Not to mention what i just did to you . " Spears fought a blush slipping his glasses on .

"Will! I just want to hear you say it you never say it to me . A lady likes to hear she's loved you know! Please!! " The red head Nuzzled into the nap of the elders neck .

"I don't have time for your foolishness Sutcliff! " William forced the arms away from his neck getting up to dress . Leaving the little redhead looking defeated in a tangled mass of white bed sheets .

It wasn't that he didn't love Grell, It was just William being....well ..William . He would say it maybe later , Tonight he would make it special , unlike most he couldn't throw the phrase so easily but tonight he would say it . .. Tonight .

**Losing him was blue like I'd never known**   
**Missing him was dark grey all alone**   
**Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met**   
**But loving him was red**   
**Loving him was red**

But it seemed like Tonight never came .

There was always paperwork , overtime , and a million other reasons William could use to put it off. The more he denied the red head the more it seemed to hurt the outspoken death god . But as always Grell only offered a smile quietly accepting the words he would never hear from his lover .

**Touching him is like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you**   
**Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song**   
**Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer**   
**Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong**

" Will, I'm heading out now with Ronnie" Grell leaned into the office looking at William the stoic mans nose firm in his pile of paper work .

"Yes, alright .." Waving a hand dismissively Spears didn't even look up .

It was silent for a moment until the soft taping of heels near his desk . William finally looked up just as a par of soft lips crashed into his .The kiss was sweet and chaste , the crimson shinigami pulled back with a smile , admiring the blush on the others cheeks.

"I just wanted a kiss goodbye Will dear , ..I love you ." He said softly brushing a gloved hand over his supervisors cheek before turning to go .

"Sutcliff.... Grell.." Will stammered a bit

"Yes dear? " Grell said beaming from the doorway . hoping to hear those magical words .

"I..um..be safe. " William looked away hiding his flushed face in shuffling paper work .

The red head smiled , it was better than nothing "Always love. I am deadly efficient you know.!"

**Losing him was blue like I'd never known**   
**Missing him was dark grey all alone**   
**Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met**   
**But loving him was red**   
**Oh red burning red**

Ronald Knox hadn't sensed it until it was to Late.

"Damn it where did all these demons come from! " The younger reaper shouted as the pair became surrounded .

They where suppose to go and reap a fire at work house no doubt the pack of demons had hope to snatch a few souls in the chaos . Now having gotten their fill they had descended on the reapers to have a bit of sport .

"sorry boys I'm taken!" Grell shouted reeving up his beloved chainsaw after receiving several cat calls from the brutish demons .

The fight began and the reapers where doing well to hold their own against Six lower level demons. That was until Knox's Lawnmower jammed , "Shit!" He cried out resorting to using it block and bludgeon between desperately trying to restart the scythe .

Hearing his young partners distress Grell ventured a side glace after hacking the head off of one of the demons he was contending with. Just in time as luck would have it to notice the demon leaping from a chard rafter of the workhouse toward his young friend .

"Ronnie!"

There was a blur of Red when Knox looked up to his senpai standing over him with a pair of claws piercing through the elder reapers chest .

"Grell! "

"I'm fine Ronnie l..lets just get this over with.... soon please i cant let ...let this blood set in m..my clothes now can I " The red heads words where struggled but enough to reassure the younger .

Eventually after killing at least 3 of the demons the rest abandoned the fight . Once the adrenaline rush began to subsided Ronald wiped the back of his hand against a gash on his forehead that was leaking blood clouding his vision slightly . He looked over to the elder red reaper who was leaning against his scythe firmly planted in the ground .

"We did it! we so kicked their asses that was kind of awesome ..man i really need a drink.. Blast it and there blood all over my suit ..we will have to get back and get patched up . How you doing over there old man ! " Knox smiled up until he saw the other reaper lift his head .. he looked terribly pale

"Oh ..I'm...Fine..and ..I'm not old you shouldn't..say things ..like that to ..a...Lady .." Grells words where pained and slightly above a whisper before he collapsed .

**Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes**   
**Tell myself its time now, gotta let go**   
**But moving on from him is impossible**   
**When I still see it all in my head**   
**Burning red!**   
**Loving him was red!**

" Somebody ! Please ! Some help over here man down! " Ron shouted stumbling in through the doors of the Dispatch office lobby .

It was amazing the little blond was still standing carrying his mentor and friend bridal style, his legs shaking threatening to give out . It had been pure adrenaline from fear that he was able to make it that far .  

His own scythe still useless the young reaper had to use Grells to open a portal to the shinigami realm. Had it been any other reaper with the red head they wouldn't have been able to lift the behemoth chainsaw . Ronald however was used to his own equally heavy lawnmower but even for him , the red reapers prized weapon was a pain to use from the violent vibrations once fired up. 

Now standing in the polished pristine foyer he became acutely aware the sight of them must have been a truly horrible one to behold indeed .  

Fellow reapers dropping files , a secretary covered her mouth another started yelling for the medic team . Ronald smiled faintly , as a group of reapers ran forward to help him laying the elder reaper on the cold marble floor .

Knox stumbled back slightly leaning against a pillar looking at the blood trail he had tracked in wondering if it was his or Grells. Whom ever it was far to much ,far far to much .

William T Spears had been in his office when he heard the commotion coming from the lobby. His eyebrow twitched in irritation swearing internally that if another petty fight had broken out he'd have the scythe of whom ever it was . He was just getting up when he saw the medic team running past his office . The usually stone faced dispatch officer felt his heart nearly stop , something was wrong he knew it .  

Walking briskly after the team he soon picked up the pace into a jog when he got closer , when the medic parted the crowd of reapers he could see a peek of two toned blonde and black hair mard with blood poking up from the onlookers . He began to run now pushing his way threw as well when he came up behind the team he felt his stomach lurch at the sight on the floor .

Locks of red hair strewn over his face head laying to the side was Grell Sutcliff in a now ever growing puddle of blood . Williams throat clinched he looked over to Knox who finally lost his battle with standing and slid down to the floor . His injuries seemed to consisted of a head wound his jacked and pant leg where also torn so there where likely wounds there as well but the younger was fairing far better .

"Grell..." he said from behind one of the team that loaded the limp body of his lover onto a gurney

"Mr . Spears , Sir! , We need to get to the infirmary as soon as possible and you please get the others to clear the way ."

"Yes.." William was mildly shocked from the sight but quickly composed him self and rose his voice over the group of reapers gathered .

"Alright ! this is an emergency clear the hall for the medical staff if i catch even one of you hindering them in any way i will personally see to it you never reap again! " Spears voice held a frightening edge and the reaps scattered immediately  
  
William walked behind the team each step feeling to slow and to fast all at the same time. His collar felt to tight all of a sudden. Why did this happen .  
When the infirmary doors swung shut in front of him Will looked through the round windows catching a sad glance from Ronald as they tended to the boy . Spears knew he shouldn't go in but he needed answers .   
  
  
"Knox what the hell happened out there?! " his voice was a slightly louder than usual and held a tinge of fear that even the little blond could pick up on .   
  
"Demons Sir, we didn't even seance them till it was to late . All that smoke and such it was just..the scent was so masked and ..i just ..i just don't know . It happened so fast  Next thing we knew we had 6 of the mongrels coming at us . Then my scythe jammed , Senpi saved my ass.... one of them came up behind me and Grell...he ..."  Ronald's words caught in his throat looking up at William  the tears brimming in his eyes . The young shinigami was beginning to blame himself .  
  
William was burning with hatred , he already despised demons but this was more intense knowing that two of his men where attacked and not just any two , But two so close to his heart , The Elder reapers eyes lingers over to the curtained off area of the infirmary  he could hear the rapid movement of  the medical staff , voices commanding orders  the sound of fabric being torn away .   
.."Grell..."   the name fell soft from his lips .  
  
"Sir, Mr.Spears with all due respect can you Waite out side " The voice of a short brunette nurse  drew the man from his mind .  Placing her small had on his arm just above the elbow gently coaxing her Superior as respectfully as possible .   
  
William complied  dropping his head slightly as he headed out . Once in the hall he slid down the wall sitting with his head is hands on the floor .  " You better not die Sutcliff ...I swear to whatever Gods above you better not die on me "

**Oh, losing him was blue like I'd never known**  
 **Missing him was dark grey all alone**  
 **Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met**  
 **Cause loving him was red yeah yeah red**  
  
It felt like hours before a doctor slipped out of the swinging doors of the infirmary . "ahem..Mr.Spears"  
William stood up quickly straighten his tie running a hand back through his hair that had been tousled by his worried fingers .   
  
"Yes, how are they ?"   
  
"Well Sir, Mr.Knox  will be fine a few stitches and  broken ribs but we expect him to be right as rail by next week as he is healing well . Unfortunately Sir..."  The tall blonde shinigami paused  worry etching across his face as he motioned for a nurse to join him holding a tray that was covered by a cloth. William could see the spatters of blood blooming under the light blue fabric   
  
" We located the problem of Mr.Sutcliffs excessive bleeding ." He said pulling the cloth back reveling several thick black spike like claws  broken off at different lengths .   
  
"Weather or not the demon in question purposefully or not broke off its claws with in Mr. Sutcliff we obviously don't know . But as I'm sure your aware despite the rapid healing of shinigami  we do not heal when a foreign body is present with in a wound . "   
  
"Yes i am aware , just tell me whats become of him ." Wills eyes flitted to the claws  before  again locking eyes with the doctor . His heart pounding in his chest thinking the very worst could come from the mans mouth .   
  
"He is alive , but with the amount of blood loss his healing has slowed down dramatically .We have done all we can at the moment . The rest will relay on his own will to live ,I'm truly sorry Sir . "   
  
"Can i see him ." Will said flatly adjusting his glasses for what would have seemed like the 100th time during the conversation . A nervous habit and the only signal to any one how the man might be feeling .   
  
"Yes of course Sir ." The blond opened the doors and Spears pass leading him into a small room at the back of the infirmary .   
  
Williams heart plummeted as the door closed behind him and he was left alone . Grell lay still far to still for his liking . He pulled up a chair  next to the apparent comatose redhead , his usual hard gaze softening  the pricking feeling behind his eyes  threatening to expose traitorous tears .

**We're burning red**  
 **And that's why he's spinning round in my head**  
 **Comes back to me burning red**  
  
     Will leaned over letting out a ragged breath fighting his own walls , he wouldn't break he couldn't break . Taking the crimson death gods cool small hand in his own  he could feel the cracks forming there in his carefully constructed facade . The one that was only ever lowered in the sanctity of there home and even then not by much . Letting his free hand slip through Ruby tresses in slow liquid motions . All he wanted in the moment was for the man before him to open his mouth and start complaining about how he was messing up his hair . Whine about how drab the room was , or pester him to say ....   
  
The ravenette paused internally ..he never said it  why didn't he say it . He meant it , he wanted the other to know but now , Williams walls crumbled under the weight of the three little words Grell always wanted .   
  
The mans shoulders shook as he leaned over pressing his lips to the forehead of his his quiet lover.   
Try as he might to squeeze his dual colored eyes shut to the pain welling inside he couldn't stop the tears .    
  
"open your eyes you lunatic .. come on Sutcliff ." His voice cracked choking on the words    
  
"Grell...please .. I'm so sorry , I'm sorry  "  William whispered through the pain in his voice  his wet cheeks against his lovers .   
  
" I ..I Love you ..  I love you so much  It strangles me  I can't breath with out you . I can't do any of this with out you and it irritates me to no end . I love you more than anything , I love your smile even if its scary to most people , I love your eyes even if you say there not special , I love  your voice even when it grates my nerves .  I love you Grell Sutcliff .."   
  
  William slipped down to his knees  at the bed side weeping bitter tears . Thinking his Confession may have come to late .   
  
William was started to feel something on the back of his neck, feather light touches  stroking the sliver of skin above his caller . His first thought was one of the nurses had come in and seen him in this state and was offering some form of comfort .  until he heard it ..  
  
"that...all I ..I ever wanted .."  The voice said beside him , it was horse and quiet but he knew it was Grells .  
  
Williams head shot up  his vision blurred by tears that where quickly being soothed away by red manicured fingers .    
  
"say it again William ..please ." There was a soft smile  playing on the red heads face   
  
William stood up and and quickly moved to press a gentle kiss to those lips . " I promise you wont ever have to ask again .. I love you ."

**His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street**


	4. Fill to me the parting glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New cleaner format yay~
> 
> An: No Full Lyrics to include this time going a lil different . Song to the side enjoy , Remember comments are love . I'm also open to song and pairing suggestions for future work in this series .
> 
> Pairing - implied Eric x Alan , other pairings if you squint .
> 
> Setting - Eric & Alan's funeral .
> 
> Song - Parting Glass by Celtic Woman

_" 'ey ther lil' red ."_ An unheard voice floated on the evening breeze , a voice Grell Sutcliff or any of them would not hear again . Two empty places in there hearts forever .

Nor see the adorable little auburn haired reaper who's blush often followed the voice's blonde owner .

The redhead and his companions dawned their black and each held a red Jessica flower as they walked silently in procession down the narrow beaten path that ran through the woods by dispatch . There would be no gated cemetery no throng of mourners , the pair would have hated that .

No , it was just four men there hearts heavy with loss traversing deep into the forest . Foot falls crushing the dieing leaves littering over cobble stone . each steep heavy with memory .They soon reached a small clearing where the evening sun lit the ground in golden light . Bathed in those warm fading rays was a single stone of soft rose colored quarts . Two scythes lay side by side bound together by a thin red string .

This was perfect , this was them .

Ronald sniffled a bit as he stepped up to the monument , no one said a word . The blond placed his flower and stood a side . He'd also been carrying a small leather case which he now rested at his feet . Removing a well loved violin , resting it under his chin letting the bow in his gloved hand glide over the strings .The tune filled the space as if it where the only place left in the world . 

Each note dancing on the last golden leaf that fell from the autumn trees . The players eyes closing gently to try and trap the tears in his dual eyes , his efforts where in vein as they fell in streams down the young mans face .

Grell was next , laying down the crimson flower, along with a kiss from his finger tips to the names etched into the stone .  
  
 _Alan Humphries & Eric Slingby Together Forever_ .  
  
Just like they would have wanted.

The feminine reaper smiled fondly and did nothing to hinder his tears . Whispering a last goodbye to his friends . An arm slid about shinigami shoulders ,Grell turned offering a sad smile to its owners unspectacled eyes . Undertakers usual broad smile now replaced by a softer grin as he pulled the younger to his side , placing the flower of his own next to the others . It was never easy seeing ones so young bid a final rest .

Last was William , his back straight and facade in place , left the flower among it's mates . He stood there silently until the final note was played . It was then he drew up his hand saluting his fallen comrades . One by one, the others followed suit, all holding posture as the sun fell from the sky .

Goodbye ..brothers ..Goodnight and joy be to you all.


	5. This time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Warnings mentions of past abuse . No full lyrics song to the side ,as always i own nothing . I just happened to think of this while listening to the song so enjoy . Coments are love
> 
> Pairing : Claude X Alois
> 
> Setting :Hospital with implied domestic abuse
> 
> Song : This time by Celine Dion

**This Time...**  
  
Alois sat in the sterile room of the hospital alone . His blue eyes ,well one was clouded with blood as half of his face was horribly swollen , floated to the clock  . Another hour past since Claude left ,he didn't like waiting , he never liked waiting .   
  
The excuse tonight was a trip down the stairs on one of the dog's toys or was it a wet floor in the bathroom? He told so many lies it was hard to keep them straight especially with a concussion .   
  
The little blonde couldn't sleep laying back in the bed starring at the low hum of the dimmed florescent light . His heart beating with fear at ever sound from outside , were those foot steeps? ..Was he coming back ....?  
  
If so so why was he waiting , why was he always staying here time and time again . He finally had enough , this time ..would be different .  
  
What some would call a tragedy ,was just another day .  
  
Alois got up on shaking limbs ,his broken ribs crying out at the sudden movement but he couldn't listen to that now . Jerking the IV free the  young man limped toward the bathroom , he could hardly believe the reflection that stared back at him .   
  
His once fair blonde locks looked oily and limp  his face battered, it hurt his cheeks to force a smile seeing his chipped front tooth . Claude had stolen his smile emotionally for years now he'd done it literally . Another thread of the person he used to be ,come undone . This is what hes become , a victim of a poison love .   
  
He could still hear the angry words of the man who claimed to love him  in his head .   
  
_" You little slut , filthy little trash..You know what all i have done for you and you talk back to me ? "_ Claude looked down on him with those cold golden eyes . Narrowing his gaze as his fist drew back the first time .   
  
Alois griped the sink squeezing his eyes shut willing the memory away , this wasn't the life he was meant to lead and he wasn't going to let it slip away . This time was the last his eyes has seen to much . This night mare was not fair , it was enough .   
  
He ran grabbing the discarded bag of his clothes from a chair  hastily slipping out of his hospital gown slipping on the  jeans he couldn't button the shirt with one hand  but he didn't care .Let them see, let them see the lies he'd hidden . He knew his friends knew they asked him enough no mater how many times hes deny it .   
  
He laughed thinking about it now ,how he covered for Claude said he loved him . Listened to those sweet apologies , it was always so good after something like this .  The first time the ravenette bounced his head off the wall when he woke up Claude swore he didn't mean to said he was sorry ."Lies ...Lies...."he whispered staring down at his cell phone ,its background a happy photo of them . "Lies..Words empty threats ...I've been afraid for years ..all for Lies ."   
  
"You cant have me anymore ...I'm taking it all back .." He said to the photo  before pulling up his contact list .   
  
"Hannah....I ..I need you come get me . I'm at the hospital ." His voice shook slightly  he was already walking out into the hall peering uneasily over his shoulder as he walked .   
  
The woman questioned what was the matter . She had always been kind to him like a mother ,even if he took it for granted all to often .    
  
"I..I lied . You where right , He did it again ...I can't Hannah i can't please hurry .." Tears poured from his eyes as he sobbed into the phone . The blonde  slipped out a emergency exit and into the parking lot . He was almost there almost  he couldn't give up now .   
  
Hannah's breath caught a moment hearing the urgency in the young mans voice , she had been afraid of this .  She agreed and told him to go and wait in the restroom at the service station away from the hospital . She knew if Claude returned and found the boy trying to escape he could talk his way into the Trancy boy staying with him .   
  
"Ok,, thank you ."  As he made his way through the parking lot the fear was pounding in his head , it was like eyes where everywhere watching him . Every set of headlights began to look like Claude's car .    
  
The battered youth  ran down the street his aching legs burning with the effort but he had to he had to .   
  


* * *

**Meanwhile**   
  
Claude Faustus walked down the hospital hallway toward his boyfriends room . He knew he had allot of talking to smooth this over ,but he was confident the other was to stupid and dependant on him .  
So sure , that when he was greeted by the empty bed he froze with disbelief  .   
  
The bouquet of blue bells ,Alois's Favorites , fell to the floor .    
  


* * *

  
The blond smiled when the tan skinned woman came into the restroom , though her face was plagued with hurt seeing the bruises allover him . She embraced the young man she considered her own child . " It will get better i promise , he won't hurt you any more . "   
  



	6. Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Sad ish in spots but Grelliam fluff mostly so enjoy !!! Inspired by a photo from my lovely follower to whom i have dedicated this piece
> 
> Song: Fireworks by Katy Perry  
> High school AU  
> Paring : Grelliam  
> Warning: Bulling

Grelle walked down the hall of the Academy felling like he was drifting, what he wouldn't have given to fly far away from here where being himself wouldn't put a huge target on his back.   
  
The redhead had stared out being vivacious and confidant but now he felt so paper thin with each cruel word and gesture. Even his crush hated him, yet everyday Grelle would try again, that's just who he was.   
  
" ne~ Se-bas-chan! " The flirty little rose cooed sliding up next to the raven haired males locker.   
  
He was sure today would be different,today he was going to ask Sebastian to the festival to watch the fireworks. He had put on his uniform ...well he put on the girls uniform. The principle pretty  much gave up on telling Sutcliffe to wear trousers.   
  
"What it is Grelle, and for the 100th time that is not the proper pronunciation of my name. " The ravenette hissed shutting his locker walking away.   
  
"Oh but its so cute bassy!!!" Grelle cried  scampering after the male.  
  
Sebastian had had it now, right there in the crowed hall he turned around with a wicked grin. He was going to make sure the red head never spoke to him again.  
  
Grelle however felt this was his chance, he slinked up to the tall pale leader of the senior student council and fluttered his long lashes. "Oh bassy, i wanted to ask you . If maybe..you would go with me to the festival. You and I would look lovely together don't you think ?"   
  
That's when the bomb dropped. Sebastian placed a hand over his heart and flashed those heartbreaking beautiful cinnamon colored eyes . " Me go with you ?  Well if this was a charity event maybe. But seeing as i have a choice i wouldn't be caught dead with a cross dressing little freak like you Grelle Sutcliffe. In fact i can  say with 100% certainty I would rather castrate myself with a pair of safety scissors than have you on my arm in public . So No.. Besides I'm already attending the festivity's with the freshmen representative Ciel Phantomhive. "   
  
Grelle felt his face flush with embarrassment as everyone started laughing and pointing. The tears welling in his eyes, he felt like crawling in a hole.  The crimson boy didn't even respond he simply covered his face and dashed off down the opposite direction. Leaving the garnet eyes male with a satisfied smirk.   
  
In his mad dash to the safety of the lavatory Grelle slammed into something large and solid knocking him to the floor.   
  
That something was William T Spears, whom had witnessed everything. He didn't see why the lovely ruby haired junior wanted anything to do with the raven haired senior. Perhaps Sutcliffe was annoying, but he was more to. Spears may not have openly admitted it but for the last couple of years he had been developing feelings for the skirt clad young man.   
  
"I..I'm sorry ." Grelle whimper pulling his skirt down from where he'd fallen . Getting up to his knees to help the older boy pick up the books William had been caring.   
  
William couldn't help but feel a tug at his usually emotionless heart seeing the tears on the redheads face. " I's fine, Honestly I..Should be asking if your alright."   
  
"Huh?...oh ...you saw that ." Grelle dropped his head the long red locks that where tied in pigtails with long black ribbons, pooled over his shoulders.  
"It's alright he was right, it was stupid for me to ask. No one would want to go with someone like me, I'm just a waste of space.."  he said tugging at the sleeves of his cream colors sweater.   
  
William couldn't accept that, such self degrading words to someone who was so bright. " That's not true, and you should show them that ."   
Spears held out his hand to his fellow student, taking Grelle's smaller hand in his own.   
  
"How?" Sutcliffe questions tilting his head cutely   
  
William blushed a bit at that face looking away and adjusting his spectacles. " ..By..Attending the festival...with me."   
  
Now it was Grelles turn to blush, having a chance to really look at William. They had spoken before and he had seemed kind if a bit stuffy at times. But now really looking at Spears, Grelle could see how handsome the bespectacled Treasurer of the Senior council was.   
  
Even when all the doors are closed one opened to the perfect road.   
  


* * *

  
  
At the festival Grelle walked arm in arm with Spears wearing a lovely red Yukata, William in a understated blue.  The redhead had never smiled so much in the three years he'd been attending the academy.  
  
He even got a few small smiled out of the usually stoic man. At the end of the festival the pair took a seat on a grassy hill to watch the fireworks.   
  
"Thank you for this. " Grelle said softly   
  
William sighed and took the juniors hand in his own. "Never say your a waste Grelle, your original your as bright and beautiful as any of these fireworks."   
  
"Will.." He started but was cut off by the elders lips on his own  melting into the kiss as the multi colored lights burst in the sky. Glittering rain falling with each explosion in the evening atmosphere.

* * *

  
  
For years to come the two always felt that same special spark at the yearly firework festival. Just like the first time when they both found what was missing in there lives .   
  
You never know what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow.


	7. Redneck Crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Redneck Crazy by Tyler Far  
> Pairing:Ron x Maylene , Past mentions of Bard x Maylene  
> Setting: Modern Human Au  
> Warnings: Alcohol, hinted Post traumatic stress,  
> P.s..I'm referring to Finnian as Bards Little brother..it seems cute to me so yeah .

  
Blue eyes narrowed on the dotted white lines of the road as he drove toward a familiar neighborhood. His mind going over and over a certain pair of honey colored eyes . Eyes that once had been filled with such love. A love that was just for him, love that wasn't his anymore.  
  
What did they have between them, had it been anything at all? He loved her,Maylene ....sure she was clumsy sometimes but she was so much more than that .   
  
She was everything that held the blond stubble faced man to the ground. Now that was gone, How did it happen so fast how did he lose everything. 

* * *

  
_" I...I think we should see other people...I'm sorry ." The maroon haired girl said as she handed him back his dog tags . Bard had given them to her as something of a keepsake, his way of letting her know how close to his heart she was ._  
  
But he'd made to many mistakes hadn't he. War was a hell of a thing, it wasn't something that ended when you stepped back on the soil of home. It was something that fallowed you and hung about your shoulders like a second skin .  That weighed him down, that changed him in a way she just couldn't fix. It was to much to ask of just one woman, to much to beg of her to stay up with him when he was drunk and would cry .  To much to worry what would become of him but she tried.   
  
Somewhere in that expanse of time she became lost. He had seen it in her eyes but he ignored it, he ignored her.    
  
Then someone came along willing to give her all the loved she deserved.   


* * *

__  
Maybe it was wrong maybe it was childish but Bard couldn't help himself. A broken heart can make you crazy .  
  
He pulled the beaten Silverado right up on the front lawn at 3am, cranking up the radio as high as it would go before stumbling out of the drivers side . The high beams of the truck barreling into the small homes windows.   
  
Bard climbed up on the hood popping open a beer can,letting his eyes scan the house before landing on the driveway . The little yellow pickup parked there with the logo reading  "Knox Landscaping" just pissed him off all the more.   
  
"Hey! pretty boy you call that a truck!" He wailed chucking an empty can at the bedroom window. He didn't come here to fight but lets face he was up for it by now .   
  


* * *

  
  
Inside Ronald growled climbing out of bed, this was to much. He had been rather respectful about the middle of the night phone calls because he knew his girlfriend wanted to keep a friendship with her ex. And in truth he felt a little sorry for the Scruffy faced veteran, but Knox's easy going attitude had its limits .  
  
"That's it ..I'm kicking his ass! " The two tone blonde said starting out toward the living room .  
  
Maylene chased her boyfriend wearing little more than the thin satin nighty. She couldn't let this happen, she loved them both really. Her heart hadn't left Bard it just left go of what they had and changed into something else.    
  
" Ron don't ! Let me just call Finny he can come get him  please ! " She said catching up to the bespectacled young man latching onto his arm.   
  
"Fine ...call him. But I'm serious he cant keep doing this he needs to let go. " Ronald relaxed some turning around and hugging the small woman to his bare chest.    
  
"Thank you .." She said softly moving to grab her cell and call her ex's little brother . She felt bad to have to depend on the young man to come talk sense in to the man .   
  


* * *

  
About an hour later a red jeep pulled up and a young green eyes blond hoped out .  His face wearing an frown that didn't look like it belong there at all .  
  
By now the Silvarados' battery was fading, the head light blinking and dimming. Its now intoxicated driver sat on the damp grass leaning back against the vehicles grill .   
  
"Bard....." Finny tested softly crouching down near the elder man.   
  
"Tell me ..Finny...what did she think huh...Did she think I'd wish her the best, shit..I want her to be happy but ..I want her to be with me not that prick. " He chocked out hoarsely tears streaming down his face .   
  
The younger male dropped down to his knees hugging his brother . "I know...I know but, shes not and its going to be ok I promise. May will always love you just ..in a new way, so please you need to stop this . I'm so worried about you, please lets just go home ok ?"    
  
The youngers large green eyes glistened with his own unshead tears. He could see the cracks in his forever strong brother, the one vibrant man being reduced to this broke his heart.   
  
"Ok..." Bard finally said wobbling up to his feet leaning on the slighter male .  
  
Finnian would get his elder brother to the Jeeps back seat before the man passed out.  

* * *

  
  
"Thanks for calling me..and not the cops. I promise he wont do it again, I'll come drag out the truck out of your yard after i take him home." Finny said standing on the front step of Meylene's home speaking to the robe clad woman .  
  
"Will he be ok? " She asked even if she already knew the answer .   
  
"I don't know..." The small blond said  looking over his shoulder at his own vehicle parked with the slumbering male in the back .  
"I just don't know ..."


	8. Iris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls  
> Genre: Friendship/ Hurt&Comfort  
> Pairing : Ron x femOc one sided  
> Setting: How Ronald Knox became a reaper  
> Warnings : suicide

A young blonde male climbed an ivy laden trellis up to a dimly lit window of the manor where he worked. The slender blue eyed stable boy knew what he was doing was wrong but he also knew that didn't care. Any punishment in the world would be worth it, he would give up forever to touch a her.

" Iris, " he whispered tapping on the glass pane, the only thing separating him from the wild forest eyes and copper curls of the young woman he adored. The goddess he worshiped, the closest to heaven he would ever be.

"Ronnie ! are you daft you silly man you could have fallen from here and killed yourself ." the girl scolded when she opened her window pulling him inside .

He laughed and threw his arms about her waist lifting thee smaller woman off her feet and spinning her around.Ron barried his face in her amber curls breathing in her scent like spring water and sandle wood.

"I don't care, I had to see you. There was some crazy talk going around that you where to marry some son of one of your fathers associates. But, I know better, I know you love me and we would run away before you'd agree to that." His voice low and laced with hope as he breathed the words against her ear .

The moment he heard those rumors he felt the cracks forming. But he would believe it, Iris was his . They loved each other, he told her in hushed whispers and long hand letters . He held her in secret and touched her like no other man had. They knew the world wouldn't understand, they knew it would be hard but he always thought the love they shared would be enough .

But as the youth pulled away from the lovers embrace he knew. The look on her face said it all, the tears that just didn't come. it wasn't a face of sadness but one of guilt, perhaps he'd seen it before but did t want to thing his saving grace, his Iris the one person who really knew him....would lie.

"Ronald .... I..." she started Herr small hands and silken touch still resting on his forearms .

It was over .

"no, you cant ..Please.." the blonde choked on the words stepping away from her as if her mere presence burned.

"I'm sorry, this ..This is just the way things are, I won't forget you.You know that don't you? Even when I'm married I'll see to it you come with us to the new house you can be stable master and ..." her words and promises fell on deaf ears.

He didnt want a life of loneliness or torrid affairs with the lady of the manor. T wonder if the children that would bare the surname of her husband were his instead . No, he wanted something real and that was broken that was shattered in a million pieces with that moment of terrible truth .

"no.." he turned his back on her for the last time .

The young man ignored her please as he descended the side wall and ran to the stables as fast as he could. Everything was gone, he couldn't even feel the pain was so crushing .

The youths long fingers fell on a length of rope as he fell into the pile of hay in the stables. He cried bitterly and curled his grasp around the rough braided binding .

That was it, he didn't want the morning sun to see him. Not now not ever again.

* * *

 

A red haired reaper sat in a tree overlooking a fine house in the English country side . Grell looked down at his to die list and frowned . He had seen it all unfold, it was beautiful and horrible all at once .

" Ronald Knox ,age 18 , Dies the 28th of April at 2:45 am. Cause of death ...suicide ." he spoke softly watching the human pass from the stables beneath the tree walking with cold blue eyes set forward to their goal.

The shinigami fallowed leaping from limb to limb . Sutcliff watched as the boy climbed up a nearby willow, its long languid limbs reaching out over a lake . The redhead felt a slight ache for the boy, he knew how that felt to love so deeply and never win .

Ronald sat up on a swayed limb fashioning the noose and knotting the rope about the limb. He wasn't crying any more, he was all out of tears. He had nothing left to give in this world.

" I just ...wanted you to know who I am." he said to the summer wind, hoping it would carry his last words to her. He thought she knew, thought trusted him to care for her. Thought Iris ..his beautiful Iris knew the kind of man he was .

Grell had descended his perch standing in the grass looking up at the youths silhouette against the star painted sky. The reaper looked down at his pocket watch, 2:44, this was it .

The blonde slipped the noose over his head and slid off the branch. The rope tighten as the body at the end of the tether dangled only a foot or so off the ground. Bare feet kicks wildly and perhaps in a last moment or recompense the young mans hands flew to the loop around his throat . The struggle didn't last long a blessing perhaps.

Grell sighed watching the breeze sway the boys body to and fro with the creaking of the rope he hung from.

All Sutcliffe need do was collect the record and go, but for some reason, he needed to do more. The reaper raised his chainsaw and severed the cord letting the body drop into the reapers waiting grasp. Call it kindred spirits, a mirror of his own pain. But the red head wanted the young man to have a beautiful death.

Grell lay the boy in the soft grass and removed the noose, taking care the fold the youths hands over his still chest. The reaper carded his gloved fingers through the young mans hair in a last offer of tenderness.

The reaper took his scythe and released the boys cinematic record. He watched it to the very end and that's when he saw it. That moment after death the young mans record shifted from white to black and on each panel was a symbol, a symbol that brought a toothy grin to the death god .

"well well, looks like there are bigger things in store for you! " The red reaper squealed this would be his first time reaping a soul like this.

With the flourish of the wrist the chainsaw neatly severed the final death away from the panel that bore the mark of the shinigami .

Grell watched as the black reals spiraled around the boys form his filthy clothes replaced with a black suit and tie his soiled bare feet clad in audacious white Oxfords . The young mans once golden wild hair began to bleed half raven color . And hen those once breathtaking baby blue opened they dilated and became dual ringed orbs of green and gold .

The boy took his first breath of rebirth and stared up from the ground at the redheaded man standing above him .

"'I...who..." the newborn reaper stammered

Grell reached down taking the boys hand,pulling him up and dusting him off.

"don't worry , I know exactly who you are . " the red reaper said sweetly before pulling the young man to him in as hug . "welcome home, Ronald Knox."

For some reason Ron didn't pull away instead he clung to the older male. "but then who are you? "

Grell pulled back grinning with a pose."oh well I'm Grell Sutcliff reaper to die for ! But, you can just call me senpai okay Ronnie? now come on we have to get you back ,Will dear has to meet you and get you enrolled in the Academy. But don't worry, things will be better from now on."'

Ronald just nodded and took the reapers hand before the two stepped through the portal back to the reaper realm, the now two tone haired youth looked back a last time at the willow tree. He had a feeling of familiarity and sadness but he didn't know why .


	9. ~Skyscraper~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:Skyscraper- by- Demi Lovato  
> Grell Sutcliff  
> Setting: How Grell died/ became a reaper  
> Paring:none  
> Warning: Violence, Character death  
> An: I realize this may not seem like a sad song per-say, but when listening to this. This kinda came to me so I would appreciate your votes and comments. If you don't think it fits that's fine ..oh well.

His breath came out in little puffs in front of the young mans face as they met the cold December air. He was panting and running as the snow had just begun to fall in from the waning light of the evening sky. The cold cutting through his short breeches and woolen stockings clearly not meant for this weather but he didn't have a choice.   
  
_"He went this way!"_ A voice called behind the youth that made his heart jump and fear dance in his blue grey eyes .  
  
He was damning himself for not being more careful, but doubted it would have made a difference if it wasn't one thing it was another. He was always a target  wasn't he, but he swore he'd show them all one day .   
  


* * *

  
  
Pair of lime ringed eyes watched the youth as he ran, A reaper.. the black clad man pulled a rolled parchment form his coat opening it regarding the finely penned script there. The last on his list for the night .  
  
 **Grell Sutcliff**  
 **Age: 17**  
 **Dod: December 21st, 1am**  
 **Cod: Expired from injuries sustained from a beating / Murder.**   
  


* * *

  
  
Grell leaned against the stone wall at the edge of town, if he could just make it a bit farther he'd be in the wood and they would never find him.  He kept telling himself that  as the young man leaned over holding his knees panting .    
He paused placing a hand up to his honey brown hair.. it was chopped messily short . They had done this to him .   
Grell ground his teeth and pushed away the tears, he wasn't going to cry not for something like this. He was right, he defended his mother no mater what they said about her or him. Only she knew him she wasn't a whore like they said she was doing what she had to survive. And he wasn't strange there was nothing wrong with him he was just different.   
  
"Mama...I'm sorry I'm going to be late.." he said quietly into the night sky before taking off running when he heard the group of older boys coming closer.   
  
He never had a chance......

* * *

  
_"Lookie what we got here boys, that little whore son ."_ One of the boys laughed holding a show leather bound handle club  in one hand slapping the other end in his open palm.   
  
_"He's got a streak of lavender this one, prolly gets on his knees just like his filthy french mother."_ another spat   
  
_"Lets teach em what happens when little runts open their mouths to there betters shall we gents?"_   
  
Grell backed up against a tree balling up his fists, he'd fight he wasn't going to make this easy he wasn't just going to let them do this. They could take everything break everything but he'd make sure they didn't walk away from this unscathed.   
"I'm not afraid of you !!" The young man shouted   
  
_"oi, that right...well.You should be"_   the ringleader said his face dark with a grin as he advanced on the the slender boy.   
  


* * *

  
The reaper that stood on the high branches of the great oak looking down on the fight squeezed a leather clad fist .  "Three on one, not a fair fight gentlemen ." He said softly  but would not intervene, this story  already had its ending set in stone.   
  
A broad grin would stretch over the death gods face when the feisty young man managed to bloodied on of the boys noses . But this victory was a shallow one as they all pounced on the younger male like a pack of wolves  beating him with out mercy .   
  
The sound of bones cracking and breaking as the young man screamed. His body broken and torn down as if it had been little more than glass or paper.   
  
Finally when the trio had there fill  and left there fallen prey the reaper revealed himself. 

* * *

  
Grell lay on his side in the snow managing to roll up on his hands and knees with what little stretch he could muster. He smiled and laughed spiting up blood over the pristine snow.   
"Yeah...you...better run..."    
  
The youth clutched a handful of the ruined snow looking at it a moment, his lungs burning and aching for each breath. More of the sticky garnet substance that sustained him leaking from his mouth and nose .  "what..a.pretty color...."   
  
The sound of approaching food steps didn't even garner the reaction to look up. He didn't care right now he just wanted to rest, maybe he could catch a second wind before trying to walk home...if he could walk that is. "come to finish the job" he croaked out .  
  
" eheehe you could say that." The voice above him said.   
  
Now Grell looked up  starting at the heavy black boots up the dark odd looking clothing the man wore, and the long ponytail of silver that swayed in the winter wind.  " ah...did someone call an _undertaker_ for me already?"  the young man laughed  and wheezed finally falling over to his side in the snow.  
  
"A sense of humor to, what a shame to lose that. But i suppose you could say that you see I'm here to collect your soul. Your going to die tonight Mr. Sutcliff ."   
  
Grell didn't feel fear, he supposed he should have but really all he did was worry about how he must look if he died this way. How horrible that would be for his mother to see him looking so poorly . Its funny the things that go through ones mind at the end .  
  
The reaper knelt down pulling off one of his leather gloves and carding his long fingers with there blackened nails through the boys hair. He took a handkerchief from his jacket cleaning the blood from the young mans face.  "There now would be a shame to have such a beautiful face cover."   
  
"will it hurt, more than..it already dose?" The boys voice quivered asking the silveret beside him.  
  
"No m'dear, it will be quick I promise. Just close your eyes and it will all disappear." His voice was kind and reassuring .  
  
Grell did as he was told he closed his eyes thinking of the roses in the fields the clear blue sky. All the times his mother had let him try on one of her dresses and wouldn't scold him for growing his hair long. Her voice as she called him her dearest treasure in that wonderful french accent she had.  
The darkness came in an instant it felt warm and encompassing  like he was rising from the ground.  
  
  
The silver reaper swung his scythe into the boys broken body and watched the record burst filling the sky with flickering lights. As he watched the Shinigamis grin broadened into a mad mans smile and he began to laugh. Because there at the end of the real was a very specific mark  that lay on that final flickering panel .   
  
"Well m'dear! Looks like there going to have there hands full with you down at the academy !" The silverette cackled slicing the real just before the final panel. As this was done black reels came forth from the boy wrapping the body head to toe before bursting into ash.   
  
The reaper watched as the youths chestnut hair flared an audacious red, his slightly open mouth was filled with row of razor sharp teeth. And when the once humans eyes snapped open to revel there now dueled iris it was all over .    
  
"My yes.... a time they will have indeed. " The man said helping the newborn reaper to his feet . Lifting him from the ashen snow that had once been solid with the young mans own blood.  
  


* * *

  
"Who..where .."Grell stammered confused , looking down at the now black suit he was wearing even though it looked awfully blurry .  
  
"Not to worry m'dear  everyone's a little put off at first. " The silverette said pulling a simple pair of wire frames from thin air and slipping them on the bridge of the redheads nose .    
"Its that better, by the by your Grell Sutcliff Grim reaper if you where wondering . Normally i don't just hand out information but for you i'll make the exception little rose."   
  
"ah, alright but who are you then?" Grell asked taking the hand that was offed to him by the elder male. He had to contain the mild blush  as the man in front of him was quite handsome.  
  
"Oh that, you know what m'dear...why don't you just....call me _Undertaker_. ehehehehe" 


	10. I see fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: I see fire - Alice Olivia  
> Video to side  
> Setting: Undertakers creation  
> Pairing: None
> 
> Warnings:Violence and gore.

The smoke rolled from the remnants of the village,the chard skeletal remains of simple homes and markets lay in ruin. Just outside of the mud paths laden with blood was a young man his hair was coated in ash its former color unknown. He knelt there holding the body of a small girl his face blank with pain as he rocked the small broken body of his sister . His green eyes where dull as the muddied earth, the rain had been a blessing from the gods but the cries of the people where heard to late .

He could feel the young girls blood cooling against his skin as it soaked through his shirt.She was the last,he tried so hard to protect her. Watching his brothers and father fall against the men who did this, the men who came out of the fog from there ships. They decimated the village and held no mercy for the victims, and yet some how he lived. It didn't seem right, it seemed almost cruel in fact that he should be left here in the broken debris of the happy life he once knew. Left her clutching his little sister body her once beautiful ashen blind hair now caked with blood and mud .

He rose to his feet trudging away from the scene unable to stomach the smell of burning flesh that still smoldered among the trampled homes. The youth carried the lithe form his last tie to humanity across the fields to a place where the ground was still lush and green. Laying her down with care as he began to till up the earth with nothing more than a small dagger and his hands that where already blackened with ash. He hadn't even realized the tears traveling down his face until on dappled his soiled hands . The young man sat back on his knees balling up his fists and screaming out to the dark cloud covered sky, screeching and damning the Gods. He screamed until his voice was sore then he just crumbled with his head in his hands .

Finally the boy regained himself enough to lay his sister into the shallow grave, silently covering her in the soil and stones . He took a single slat of broken wood and carved her mark upon its blackened surface. This would serve as her grave marker, he sat there in quiet reverence as the thunder rolled over head .

"Oh death if you can hear me...take me. Don't leave me here with nothing. " he whispers looking down at his ruined fingers nails now black with filth.

It was then lightning streaked the sky and struck at the head of the grave. The young man went wide eyes starring at the plume of black smoke raising behind the graves marker.

"Son of craven.." A deep voice boomed from inside the smoke causing the youth to scuttle backwards trembling in fear.

The voice continued, "you called for me boy and i was watching,do you have fear now for the thing you beseech ?"

The words where fallowed by a gust of wind that dispelled the smoke and there stood a large figure with great black wings shrouded in a cloak darker than night . Its face marred he the heavy hood only a pair of lavender and green ringed eyes shown from inside . The being held in its pale bony hand a scythe. The long wooden handle curving in front of the creature and its large arched blade glinted and dripped with the misty rain as it began to fall.  
  
"What are you ...." The young man stammered looking up at the macabre specter.  
  
"I think you know my name boy " Said the dark angel as it struck the earth with the hilt of its tool of harvest . The strike rang like thunder as lights flowed from the ground where the dead lay, reels of film reaching for the clouded heavens flowing to the end of the great blade.  
  
"Death...."   
  
"how perceptive human, now that i am here to collect the souls of your fallen kinsman i am also here to offer you release." Death spoke as the last of the reels disappeared into the blade .  
  
"So ..you will kill me then and take my soul just as you have taken the others ? "  
  
"No, because your soul is different you have walked through the fame's and been given a precious gift by the  only you held dear, for you see her demise ..."  Death said pointing a long gaunt hand to the scorched grave maker.  " was meant to be yours, this child took the blade of that raiders axe she did something few are able to. She unwritten your death and that makes yours a soul with out end, by my book your already dead and yet there you are. Do you know what that makes you .."  
  
The youth stood before death his eyes falling to his sisters grave, he could still hear her voice screaming is name as the little one bolted in front of him. Leaving the safety of her hiding place for her beloved brother, throwing her arms wide as the weapon crashed into her spraying her blood on the ground before him.  " It make me damned..."   
  
  
Death laughed " perhaps, but i am here to offer you an alternative because you see humans like you are a plague on this land. There are so many  and are multiplying everyday. For this reason i have decided to find souls like you and offer your now meaningless existence, redemption."  
  
"What could you give me other than a lasting death that would matter at all." The youth spat bitterly   
  
Death extended his scythe tipping up the young mans chin. "Oh i can't give you that, but what i can give you it worth much more. I can strip away your human life i can take your pain but you wont be dead you will be much more...you will be death it self. "   
  
"So i will be like you then is that what your saying"   
  
The blade of the scythe was pulled away and in a dark blur the dark angel as inches from the young mans face  a bony hand with long black nails graced along his jaw. its touch like ice sending a shiver through the youth . "No, you will be something new entirely my boy, you will be the heir to my throne and the first of many ..you will be a reaper ."  
  
The young man looked back on his village barely visible through the fog, this was his penance he had nothing to go back to. "very well...i accept ."   
  
With that death grabbed the human boys face roughly pulling it close his thumbs with the long dangerous talons hovering over the boys hazel eyes .  " Damien Craven...this is your last breath as a mortal will you cry out and beg when i rip the humanity from your soul with it? "   
  
  
The boys eyes where empty as he grinned thinking of his sisters words just a day before he held her still corpse. _" How sad it would be for laughter to disappear. "_   
  
When the angel of death pierced the human pupils with his nails .....the boy laughed.   
  
With was a broken and pitching sound loud enough to shake the leaves from the trees. It was pain and madness intermingled as his memories where stripped away. The rain falling began to soak the boys hair, as the ash and mud was rendered from his locks they where left the color of spiders silk . When his body hit the ground at the feet of death the youths face was adored with bloody tears. He looked up with blurry eyes gripping onto the specter's robes. His once human orbs now double ringed in a otherworldly hue of chartreuse .   
  
Death waved a hand over the boys face producing a pair of spectacles. "Come my son...i have much to teach you. " He said helping the shaky reaper to his feet.    
  
As the silverette looked around his eyes feel to a lone grave marker, the name there meant nothing to him and yet everything.  
  
It was a strange feeling and yet one he would never forget .  
  



	11. My Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: My Skin by Natalie Merchant
> 
> Paring : Grelliam
> 
> Warning: Graphic suicide and over all feel destruction

A gloved hand ran over the name etched in stone, it didn't seem fair or even real. Why couldn't he have seen it sooner? Why did he act the way he did, why did he have to push ? Why?...Why? ......

"Why...Grell." William's voice broke, the cemetery in the reaper realm was empty except for him. For that William was thankful because then no one would see the bitter tears that streaked over his cheeks. The sob that bubbled in his throat as he bit it back trying to force it into submission only to loose the fight and hang his head. The horrid wordless ache that fell from his lips, it still hurt . Seventy years and it still hurt .

Spears leaned forward on his hands and knees clutching the snow covered grave. He did this every year right after the first snow of December, just like that day. The day everything could have been avoided if he would just noticed sooner.

* * *

 

How many times had he been rejected? Grell thought as he sat alone in the rumpled bed sheets. He couldn't even count but it never hurt this much. He had finally gotten William or so he thought, given the man was a little drunk. Ok, allot drunk from the office party but still it had felt so right. All those promises whispered like prayers in the darkness. The love of his life finally accepted him.

He needed it, Williams love was the one thing that took the pain away. But in the cold light of day the man was gone .

Later when Grell tried to mention it William only flustered and said he didn't remember, said it was a mistake that they should never speak of again. Mistake..... such a heavy word.

That wasn't how he really felt though, truth was William just didn't know how to feel. He didn't know how to just admit the way he loved the crazy redhead that seemed to forever vex and yet thrill him.

Oh what those words could have meant, what a lifeline it could have been when that last thread inside the vibrant red reaper finally broke....

Grell ran from the library his teeth clenched forcing away the desperate urge to cry out. Once he had cleared the dispatch office the redhead hit his knees in damp grass. His body bent feeling the tendrils of grief clutching his heart. His mind replaying the adoring sweetness of the night before, all of those moments falling with a bitter weight in his stomach.

" Why..Why Will! I need you why cant you see that, Its you its always been you !" Grell couldn't do it, no mater how it hurt the tears didn't come. It was an odd feeling somewhere between desperation and acceptance. William was never going to love him, no one was ever going to. Why keep trying? its been so long so why? When everything ends this way ...... he didn't need it anymore . Grell didn't need any of it any more.

* * *

 

It started slowly at first, the shinigami to die for grew quieter and quieter. No more flirting, no more audacious red jacket of the fallen madam. Ronald Knox was the first to notice. He asked his friend and mentor what was wrong, the young man was honestly worried the day he came into the office to find the elder reaper already seated at his desk in the dark. But by then the lies came easy to Grell, the pain was a constant and dull ache.

Next was the Legendary reaper Undertaker, he spotted the once vibrant Grell Sutcliff one night seated on a chapel rooftop. The red head was starring off into the moonlit night with an expressionless face . The young shinigami had a certain emptiness in his eyes. One that the silverette knew well, there would come a day when undertaker would later damn himself for not saying something then. For simply walking away when it was so clear what was happening.

It seemed like the only person who didn't see it was William. Maybe he didn't want to see it, perhaps it was clean and easy to dismiss the troublesome reaper. To put off the change in Grell as another of the reapers little bought of dramatics.

How he wished he tried harder now, that last day like a loop in Williams mind.

* * *

 

It was a day like any other, William sat at his desk working when the slow tap of heels on the marble floors alerted him to officer Sutcliff's presence. He didn't bother looking up expecting any moment now some lewd remark would come out of the red reapers mouth. Only it didn't, there was an eerie silence instead.

When Spears looked up he saw Grell standing in front of him looking like a ghost of his former self. William felt the urge to get up and grab the man before him and find out what had happened to him. But he didn't he just looked away, because that's what William did. He overlooked things that where to difficult to fit in a little box. Just like his feelings for the man who was wilting like a frost bitten flower before him.

"What is it Sutcliff." The words came out a bit harsher than he'd intended.

Grell smiled weakly " Nothing Will, I just wanted to see you."

That caused Spears to look back now, such a strange thing to be said. For a moment there eyes meet, for a moment that final silent plea of ' see me...please see how much it hurts.' But it wasn't .

"Well I.. I think you have work to do Sutcliff." William paused his voice lost its edge thrusting out the to die list for the day. Before returning to his paperwork.

"Good bye William ."

And just like that Grell Sutcliff was gone.

* * *

 

Late that evening William was looking over the turned in reports and noticed Grell was late yet again, he flipped to his copy of Sutcliffs to die list when something chilled him to the bone . There was a new name on the bottom of the list . A name he knew all to well.. "Grell.."

William bolted out of his office and out of the dispatch building, his feet wouldn't move fast enough.

The first snow was falling in the quickly fading light , the winter wind bit at his face as he ran. " No.....no...." The pleading single syllable phase like a mantra falling softly from his lips .

When Will made it to the Apartment building he dashed up the stairwell, he could hear the soft sound of a piano playing from the Victrola. It was a sad ballad with a woman's chilling voice each word like nails driven into his heart.

**Take a look at my body....look at my hands....There's so much here that I don't understand........**

William's finely polished Oxfords now slick with the melting snow, slid along the wooden floored hallway. Drawing ever nearer to the red door at the end of the hall, apartment 13d. His gloved hands trembling as EU made purchase on the bronze knob turning it with hope e entrance wouldn't be locked. The door clicked and creaked as it pushed into the home of the red reaper. Williams ears flooded with the sound of the piano and violins that seemed to cry with each mournful note.

**I've been been treated so wrong..... . I've been treated so long .......As if I'm becoming .....Untouchable..**

The place was dark the only light flickering down a corridor to his right. "Sutcliffe ?" the name tumbled out with unease. Something wasn't right, it was to still to quiet. The only sound Spears hear was the record that looped again and again with each lifting click of the needle are as it re-positioned again. The somber soprano urging him down the hall. Each step like waking through wet sand as a cold sweat broke along the back of his neck.

" Grell ?" this had to be a mistake.

**I'm a slow dying flower......the frost killing hour.... Sweet turning sour and Untouchable.....**

The flickering lights of candles made the bathroom seem almost romantic, if it hadn't been for the palpable fear creating a metallic taste to rise in Williams throat. The little blazing sentries dripped wax in little puddles all around the free standing claw foot tub. There must have been over a hundred of them . But that wasn't where William was looking, his eyes where trained on the bath and the long tail of red hair that draped over the side emerging from the dark water . And the glint of silver on the tile floor from a pair of crimson handled scissors.

**I need A lullaby ..... A kiss goodnight ..... The angel sweet Love of my life ... Oh, I need this**

William took a step forward and froze in his place, a gloved hand shoot up covering his mouth and his rule ringed eyes when wide . The bathwater.... it was so red it was nearly black. The smell, masked in rose oil and the soft floral candles before, it rose and made his nerves tingle. The bitter copper of blood, so much blood.

"Grell !"

**Your face saving promises ..... ...whispered like prayers..I. don't need them....**

William bolted forward with the cry of the others name echoing around him. Fear pounding in his ears as the dark haired reaper reached down into the sanguine bath feeling the cool slick substance soaking up to his biceps. It didn't matter what mattered was the limp body he drew from the crimson fluid. Spears wrapped his arms around the red reapers body hoisting the lithe lifeless form out, collapsing back on the floor with the nude all to still body of his subordinate.

"Grell, Grell please !" he shouted and shook the slender male in his arms.

but it was to late, William knew it. The stone face head of dispatch now as weeping disheveled mess, begging and pleading long after his words meant nothing. Still he held on kissing the red heads oddly peaceful face and rocking back and forth in the gore laden tile floor.

**Well, is it dark enough?............Can you see me?........ Do you want me? .........Can you reach me?......Or I'm leaving**

* * *

 

It still hurt, even after all these years, even she the hints of gray began to whips at the peak of Williams hair. This would be the last visit, bitter sweet and beautiful, because he had finally managed to make things right.

" The council finally approved sending your soul back to the human realm, A baby girl will be born in a few hours, in Paris. You always loved Paris. " William said running his hand over the faint pink quarts of the monument brushing away the snow.

" I hope you will be happy, I hope you find someone to love you the way I should have loved you . Goodbye Grell ."


	12. You Can't Break Whats Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Break whats Broken by Charlie Worsham  
> Pairing : Grell/Claude with hinted onesided Grelliam  
> Warnings:Slight Yoai and hinted R18,alcohol  
> Human AU  
> An: For those of you who saw the pairing and are like ew no, just keep reading it will make sense with the song.

Grell Sutcliff sat on the far end of the smokey bar, swishing the shallow remnant's of Bourbon and ice in his glass. The little melting cubes tinkling against one another, he wondered if this was what a broken heart sounded like.  Then again he was past that by now wasn't he?   
  
Being in love with a man who did nothing but point out your flaws and only acknowledge you when you have failed in some way could do that. Ah yes, the object of his affection and center of his self loathing - William T Spears. He was cold,authoritative,anal retentive, handsome, and completely captivating. William was like one of those wooden sphere puzzles,just layer after layer of the same overly complicated tangle. Nevertheless, Grell couldn't help but quietly love the man from a distance and some times not from a distance which always ended poorly.   
  
Unrequited love was a painful thing, a wound on ones heart that could never be healed for all the jagged edges. He didn't care if it ever did heal at this point, but that didn't stop the need to not be alone. Even if just for the night a distraction was a welcomed one.  
  
That's what brought the red head and so many others to a place like this one on a Friday night. Just a communal watering hole for lonely hearts and the bored and single. So Grell didn't mind when a raven haired man slipped onto the bar stool next to him offering to by the next round. In fact he was pleased when he got a look at the man.   
  
He introduced himself as Claude, he worked as a personal assistant. None of these personal facts where very interesting or mattered very much. What did matter was that if Grell got a little more intoxicated or maybe took of his glasses that the man next to him might just look a little like his beloved William. So all the lies and charm that Mr. Faustus was putting into his chatting up of the crimson male was just moot . The man had won the rights to taking Grell home just by the vague resemblance he wasn't even aware of.   
  
So they didn't skate around the issue or try and play 20 questions of getting to know you and hows your mother. Grell just smiled and leaned into the mans ears and whispered "Your place or mine?"  in that sultry breathy tone he could do so well.  
  
They stumbled into Sutcliffs apartment having made out the majority of the elevator ride since entering the building. Clothing being tossed haphazardly as they fell into the entry way, hands searching skin and  lewd comments flowing with the rhythmic tick of the mantle clock. Beautiful lies rolling of talented lips, it was wrong but it felt good. It was better than being alone, Grell thought as he found himself pined on the bed under the larger man. It wasn't love it was friction, it was something to fill in the time he would have spent in that cold empty apartment thinking about what could have been.   
  
For a night He had his Surrogate lover, squeezing his eyes shut and wrapping his legs around the sturdy form above him. Grell could let his mind fill in the blanks, he could let a few tears escape in the dark and blame it on the act it self. Claude didn't even seem to care when the red head called out a name that wasn't his. It wasn't like this would go father than tonight anyway, plus... he was thinking about someone else to.    
  
Monday morning Grell would head into work, his one night stand forgotten. He'd walk in the office to Williams usual distant snappish tone and Ronald trying to reassure him that  "William is just tsundere and maybe he really dose like you senpai". Yeah Ronnie was good for that, but it didn't matter anymore.   
  
Because you cant break what's broken.   
  
  



	13. Say Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Say Something - by - A great big world  
> Pairings: Undertaker/Grell , later Grelliam if you squint  
> AU: Modern

It was clear, he'd been fooled.   
  
The evidence was all there and still Grell never wanted to see it. He didn't want to see that his lover was being unfaithful, he didn't want to except that the man was beyond his reach. Everyone had told him the legend was a wild-card and a madman. Yet, Grell didn't want to listen.   
  
Sometimes you can jade yourself into believing that the thing that's killing you feels good. That's how it was with them; every rough needy kiss, every whispered promise. It was raw and real and wonderful....but it couldn't last. Not when one person gives all their heart and the other person no longer has one to give.  Grell would have fallowed Undertaker to the ends of the earth because when the red reaper loved ... he loved till hurt. He wouldn't take anything less.   
  
Even now facing down the man he loved in their little shared flat in London. Tears threatening to escape from glittering orbs of citrine and lime, tears he wasn't ready to show. He wasn't ready to give up if only Undertaker would say something, Grell would have taken a lie anything not to lose.   
  
The silverette couldn't do that, because perhaps he did love Grell or at least he'd been learning to love with a heart he thought was long dead. Old habits die hard and he made that mistake and now there was no going back. He couldn't even look Grell in the eyes, it was like watching the man perish right before him.   
  
"Say something.....anything..." Grell choked out  clutching his fists at his sides   
  
Undertaker just looked out the large glass window, his face wearing a grim expression so unlike himself. His bangs were pinned back to the top of his head as they usually were when the two were home . Those rare beautiful eyes that had captured the crimson reapers love seemed dull and empty. The storm raging inside the ancient shinigmai matched the dreary English weather out side.   
  
"Damien...why..if you don't tell me why. Just ..tell me anything say anything before..before its to late." The tears didn't hold back,  the dam broke along with Sutcliffs' heart. They ran down the reapers face and he had never felt so small.   
  
Undertaker swallowed thickly and closed his eyes hearing his lover say his given name. Still he didn't turn, it was better this way. He knew  he'd only draw the other back in because he was an old selfish creature, he had to give up his pride because he had hurt the one he loved in the worst way. Worse yet, deep down ....he knew he'd do it again.   
  
"Say something or I'm giving up on you ....I mean it! I will leave and i won't come back!" Grell shouted through his tears.  
  
He was rewarded with nothing but silence.    
  
"I loved you ..." He whispered wrapping his red sweater clad arms around him self.  "I loved you ..."   
  
Undertaker pressed his forehead to the glass hearing the redheads footsteps fade and the door slam. He watched as the only person that had been able to get through to him left him for the last time. Watched as the red head pushed through the crowded streets to a waiting car, Of course there stood William holding an umbrella over passenger side door of his black Mercedes. That Spears had been praying for this day hadn't he?    
  
It was better this way, Grell may actually be treated as he should. That's what the silverette hoped anyway. Now in the home full of silence and broken dreams he finally found his voice. " I loved you too...And I'm sorry." 


	14. Just give me a reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Just give me a reason - P!nk
> 
> Pairing. : Grelliam

Right from the start on that snowy roof top back in their academy days Grell's heart was completely captured. No one could understand how someone so vibrant as him could fall for someone as strict as William. Perhaps it's true that opposites attract, because try as they might the two always found themselves together.

Where Sutcliff's love burned strong Spears found his to be a slow smolder that built over time. Once he found the redhead vexing and garish, but somewhere that began to change. It all came to a head the night William drug the battered shinigami home from fighting with a certain demon butler.

Instead of taking Grell to the office or even the infirmary Williams feet lead him home.

"What were you thinking Sutcliff ! " he hiss turning on the broken man. William was irritated that Grell never seemed to listen and he always had to push.

For once the crimson death god had nothing to say. He just sat there on the ground staring at his bloody hands, blood that wasn't his.

"Sutcliff answer me do you have any idea the trouble you have caused? It will be a miracle if I can get you out of this." William seethed pinching the bridge of his nose. Talking the council out of harsher action now might be impossible. The usually stone faced man's brow was etched with worry on how he was going to save his old friends neck after a stunt like this. Killing humans not on the Death list was something highly frowned upon apparently.

" she knew... she knew so.... well how it feels. Even if it couldn't be what I wanted it was better than nothing." Grell mumbled trying to wipe away the sticky substance from his hands but the blood had already begun to dry and stain his peachy flesh.

William watched as the man tried in vain to clean his palms. Watched as his shoulders shook mumbling broken words. Will had never seen Grell like this, so fragile and broken.

" I helped her because she understood what it's like to never have the one you love...to always ...always get the short end. I had to... to end it like that. I wasn't going to let them have her and lock her up. I helped her...I helped her..." The redhead began to sob.

"Grell...." Williams' voice wasn't harsh anymore as he knelt down taking a handkerchief from his breast pocket. He gently took the pristine white square and lifted the weeping reapers chin. He didn't speak right away as he wiped way the makeup and tears.

Grell quieted down looking confused that the other cared enough to be so gentle. When William stopped Grell could see his own reflection in the taller mans glasses. His skin wasn't as fine with out powder and with out his false lashes he just looked like a boy. Grell felt he looked as pathetic as his butler disguise, even worse now that his green eyes were puffy from crying. Who would want him now ?

" you see now don't you Will, I'm a mess just like you always said I was. I'm not that pretty underneath it all in fact I think I might be a bit mad. You... you should just let them have me. Let them get rid of me so you won't be bothered anymore."

William couldn't believe he hadn't seen this before how lonely Grell had become. Words of surrender should never fall from those lips. Those soft petaled lips that always boasted to much, those lips he couldn't take his eyes off .There was no way he was giving up on Grell no matter how annoying he might be. " stop talking nonsense Sutcliff. Stop doubting me, I will fix this like I fix everything." he said leaning in slowly. "I'll fix you to Grell, so just ..stop talking"

Grell was caught by surprise as their lips met but he didn't fight. His eyes fell shut and his hands reached out with need griping Williams' lapels. He held on for dear life even after they parted.

That night changed everything, every kiss every touch they each gave in to what they both had wanted for so long. William kept his word and fixed everything. He healed the pain that was rooted so deeply, but he never could ease away all the scars that where left.

Over the years Grell would still worry that he'd get tossed, that William may grow tired of him. That he'd have no reason to keep someone so taxing around. Perhaps the man may wake up one day and decide he had enough of their love. Call it paranoia, insecurity, call it whatever you like it ate Grell up inside.

Time after time William would calmly but firmly reassure the other that the fears were nothing more than bad dreams. Nothing was as bad as it seemed, that Grell wasn't broken. In those quiet moments when William didn't have to keep that cold temperament of his position. He would whisper kind words in low even timber. " we can learn to love together, we will be fine because I'll never stop loving you."


	15. Don't cry daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song- don't cry daddy- by- Elvis Presley  
> Au- Papa Undertaker
> 
> AN: I don't know why but I Love to think of Undertaker as a father figure to the other reapers. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside. The use of Claudia, comes from the charms Undertaker wears on his robes as seen in the manga. They are memorial lockets and one of them says Claudia P. Allot of fans like to believe the P could be Phantomhive. I subscribe to that headcanon as well ^_^. So enjoy

Damien Craven other wise known around London as simply Undertaker, had been a strange man. From his love for laughter to his long spider silk hair, most found him off putting at best and completely mad at worst.

But she was the exception, Claudia Phantomhive younger sister to Edward Phantomhive. She was quirky little thing despite being sickly she loved to be outside playing with her little nephew Vincent. Thanks to Undertakers association with the Phantomhives he came to know the frail woman. And with time...came to love her.

Admittedly Edward had been reluctant to allow his sweet sister to be courted by a man he knew was not human. In all the years he'd known Undertaker he hadn't aged, even from that first day when he himself was a youth and found the man bloody laying against an old oak in the cemetery. Through the blood seeping gash on the silverettes face the young human could see his strange duel ringed eyes. Yet,...he helped him anyway. Perhaps that was why Edward allowed this even now, for as odd as Undertaker was he knew Claudia was safe.

 

Claudia loved Undertaker, she didn't even mind when he told her he was a Reaper. She had no fear of his scars or even knowing that one day she would have to leave him. She wanted to spend that time to its fullest.

The Day Undertaker came back after taking care of one of his 'guests' at the cemetery he was surprised to find Claudia serving tea to a few of his old colleagues. They had come to ask a favor, one that Undertakers new wife was more than happy to accept on his behalf.

Apparently a team of reapers had been killed on assignment and several of those reapers left three young children behind. Claudia's big teal eyes where enough to make him agree, even if it meant helping the association that cast him out.

The next day a pair of female reapers arrived. One held a basket with a sleeping baby with sprigs of blond and black hair. The other held a small sleeping toddler on her hip, the child looked like maybe a little girl with the messy red pigtails but its hard to tell with a child so young. Lastly half hiding behind holding both women's hands was a small boy who looked about 5 or 6 with an expression far to sullen for a child.

"This is William." One of the women said pushing the eldest child forward.

"He's, a bit shy . This one asleep here is Grell, he is quiet the hand full when he's awake." The woman laughed though it sounded uneasy.

Claudia cooed taking the basket with the younger slumbering reaper stroking the little ones cheek. "And whats his name"

"That's Ronald, we honestly can't thank you both enough for this. " Both women bowed deeply after dropping off there charges. Leaving the instant family to get acquainted

* * *

 

The next four years where filled with happiness, Undertaker could honestly not believe how lucky someone like him could be. He thought he had lost everything and yet now when he heard three sets of thundering feet running around his and Claudia's small home, little voices calling out for "daddy" or "mommy" . It was like a dream but like all dreams they come to an end when the harsh morning light dissipates that hazy perfect world.

Their dream began to end one winter, Claudia was ill again but this time it was different. She tried her best not to show it comforting the children when they would crawl up onto the bed to lay near her for a story. William sitting by the bedside saying he was to old to cuddle, yet before the end of the story he'd always be half laying,on the bed. And like every night Undertaker would end up carrying each of the sleep heavy little ones to their own beds.

One night in particular though when tucking in his youngest the little reaper asked a question that broke the morticians heart.

Little Ronnie looked up tugging at his fathers sleeve. "Daddy.. is mommy gunna die?"

What could he say?

Undertaker just turned and smiled. " Mommy is just a little sick right now but don't worry alright m'dear?"

The little boy nodded and quickly his little lashes fluttered closed in blissful sleep. It took all the silverette had to make it out of the room and into the hall before bitter tears fought there way from his eyes. This wasn't fair.

That night Claudia held her sobbing love to her chest. "You can't leave me yet Claudia... i knew i would lose you one day but I'm not ready." He begged kissing her hands with such reverence.

"Oh my love you won't ever lose me, I will always be here even if you can't see me." she said softly if any soul deserved to be reborn as an angel it was her. Even then she would still be out of his reach, Undertaker couldn't see his life with out her.

Claudia did her best to stay she fought with all she had in her fragile body. Yet as the first blossoms of spring opened she closed her eyes for the final time.

Undertaker wept as he dressed her in delicate lace and brushed her hair. Speaking promises to her still perfect face. Her funeral was beautiful just as it should have been.

The house seemed colder with out her voice echoing off the walls. The silverette could hardly bring himself to do much of anything.

Little William who was only 9 took care of his brothers and never shed a tear in front of anyone no matter how much it hurt inside. He could still remember what it was like when his real parents died, he was old enough to know that his new mother was not like them. She was human and humans die easily, in a way the quiet young boy had prepared himself for this. However, when the other two went to sleep each night and he lay awake listening to his fathers silent sobs the child would curl up and cry as silently as he could manage, holding tight to an embroidered pillow his human mother made for him.. He missed her to.

One morning Undertaker found himself sitting with a cup of coffee. Not even acknowledging his eldest son when the boy said he was leaving for school. The legendary reaper sat there starring into the dark steaming liquid until it turned cold.

He was in a daze somewhere between memories and nightmares when a small voice accompanied a tug on his pants. It was a broken little sound just as broken as his heart.

He turned his head down to see his 6 and 4 year olds. Both little ones in other night dresses with red tear stained cheeks.

" Don't cry Daddy, please don't cry." little Grell sobbed reaching up to touch his fathers face gently wiping away the tears the elder didn't even know were there.

"You still got me and Ronnie, And Will misses mommy to !" The little boy pleaded.

Undertaker realized something, Claudia was gone.. but the little ones they loved were still here. He had been lost for weeks since her death and never once comforted the precious little boys that she loved so much. The silverette knelt down in front of the little boys pulling them into his arms.

" Daddy please laugh again." little Ronnie said clinging tight to the only father he'd ever known.

Undertaker smiled and kissed there foreheads. " I promise m'dears things will be better from now on."

* * *

 

Later when the younger ones were down for their nap Undertaker waited in the parlor. Right on the 3oclock chime as always William came back from school. It was then Undertaker noticed the ever serious little boy looked worn. He was proud of the young boy for being so responsible. At the same time however he felt guilty for forcing that burden on William who already carried enough hurt.

"William, come here." The boy looked up from tucking his shoes away in the cubie by the door. He only assumed the worse, they were being sent away again... that had to be it.

The boy stood tall with his shoulders and back straight ready to hear that he was being shoved off like the first time he met his adopted siblings after all their parents had died.William didn't worry about himself so much as he did for Grell and Ronald. What he didn't expect was to be hugged.

The little shinigami's eyes went wide and he faintly tired to pull away.

"Its alright, you don't have to be so strong Willy. It's alright... I know you loved her as much as she loved you." The older mans voice rang in the boy's ears.

For a moment William went still before clinging to his fathers robes. Undertaker rubbed circles on his sons back, he could tell William didn't want to cry. " you can cry son, I promise you can always cry to me. You have done such a good job with your little brothers. Your mother would be so proud of you."

He could feel the boys shoulders shake as the sob broke free. The silverette pulled the boy up into his lap rocking him like when he had first came to them. In those days the little boy didn't talk and had terrible nightmares. Claudia was so patient, they both had taken turns comforting him for a month until the boy could sleep through the night. She loved William because she could tell he needed to be reassured more than the other two. Even though the stoic child acted as though he didn't need anything.

" please don't send us away." the little muffled voice asked.

Undertaker smiled and turned up the child's chin." Your my boys and your not going anywhere. I promise that we will all be happy again."


	16. Austin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song : Austin - by- Blake Shelton  
> Pairing: SebCiel  
> Au:Human  
> AN: Some happy tears for you.

Sebastian woke up to find the other side of the bed cold. If he had been any other day he wouldn't have paid it any mind, he would have assumed that the little bluenette was in the bathroom or already up making breakfast. Maybe he would think that, but he knew better.   
  
Ciel was gone. He took his keys and said he needed to clear his head.   
  
Days turned into weeks,weeks into months and still not so much as a number to call. After a year most people would have given up.   
  
Sebastian wasn't most people.   
  
Ciel wasn't expecting anything when he finally picked up the phone after so long. He almost expected to be cursed out or ignored, but after three rings the machine picked up.   
  
**"If your calling about the car I sold it. If its Tuesday I'm out and if this is a sales call I am not interested.Anyone else wait for the tone. P.s If this is Ciel, I still love you."**  
  
The phone slipped from the young mans grasp clattering to the counter top. He couldn't believe Sebastian would have hung on that long. In truth he half expected the ravenette to hate him for the way he left with out so much as a goodbye.   
Ciel quickly gathered up the phone pressing the end key with shaking fingers, he couldn't believe he's been so blind. To run away from a love that strong over petty fears and irritation. He didn't deserve a man like that.   
  
Three days later Ciel finally got up the nerve to call back.His slim fingers trembled dialing the familiar number, having played over in his mind what he should say every way he could say it and still nothing seemed right. So letting out a breath he waited. One ring...two...three.. There was a short pause and Ciels heart pounded waiting for the voice he'd missed. However, instead of a hello the bluenette was met with a mechanical buzz and another recorded message that tugged at his heart strings.  
  
 **"If its friday night I've gone to watch a match,First thing Saturday I'll be away on holiday. I'll be gone all weekend long.I'll return your call on Sunday, P.s If this is Ciel ...I still love you "**

* * *

  
Sebastian came home late Sunday evening having spent the last few days in his family cabin by the lake. For as relaxing as the scenery was it was to lonely to stay for long. To many fond memories of a certain slender young man with an adorable scowl.   
The ravenette came in and dropped his over night back, he made his way over collapsing on the sofa.  His cinnamon eyes flicking over at the blinking phone on the side table, the small screen flashing a glowing 4. Sebastian stretched out his tired limbs hitting the play button, the first message was from Claude informing him they did not have work tomorrow..which was obvious as it was a national holiday, the next was Ronald who sounded rather inebriated with Grell singing obnoxiously in the background. The message was to say they missed him at the bar and karaoke night was boring with out him. The third was from his mother sending her love and asking him to call more.   
  
When the digital voice announced the final call Sebastian was expecting a sales call or one of his other friends with some annoying reason. Instead the voice that came to his ears made his heart nearly stop .  _" Um..hello Its me. My new number is (###)###-####  ...ok bye"_   
  
Sebastian sat up and stared at the little device as if it was magic. He ended up listening to the message several times before fumbling with the cordless phone and dialing the numbers.   
  
The raven held his breath waiting when he heard a click and a voice come over the line with words he'd dreamed of for over a year.   
  
_"If your calling about my heart it's still yours. I should have listened to it a more then maybe I would have known I was right where I belonged, And Sebastian if you  can't tell this is Ciel and i still love you.... Pleases..I open the door so I can come home. "_ The boys voice sounded tearful as the doorbell echoed through the receiver and Sebastian's apartment.  
  
Sebastian wasted no time dropping the phone and darting down the entry hall to the front door. He flung it open and saw the young man standing there with tears rolling from his cerulean eyes. "Please forgive me..." He said looking up with those mournful sapphire blues.   
  
"Oh Ciel..."  Sebastian through his arms around the slighter male holding him tightly . "I forgave you long ago, just promise me. Never leave me again?" 


	17. Go rest high on that mountain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Go rest high on that mountain-by - Vince Gill  
> Pairing : Grelliam  
> AN:This was the song we played at my uncles funeral, so it is dear to me.

To most who knew William T Spears, the man was as cold strict supervisor. Yet to one crimson death god, he was everything... Lover, friend, confidant, and on occasions greatest rival.

If anyone had asked the reapers where they thought their greatest threat lie. "Angels " would have been the farthest from their thoughts. However, when the fallen of the heavenly hosts banded together in a mad frenzy it proved to be the worst battle the shinigami had ever seen. Even the famed Undertaker came out if retirement to aid in the protection of the library and his kinsman.

The fight was long and hard and casualties were mounting. They underestimated the madness that rooted within the Seraphim's heads that forced them to descend in hordes. Under the premises of ' reclaiming the right to judge the wicked and purify the lost.'

"Senpai your wounded come on we need to get you back to the library and to a medic please! " Ronald Knox pleaded with his mentor.

The redhead was in no mood to be reasoned with as he stalked away from his subordinate, dragging the heavy chainsaw. " I can't Ronnie, I'm fine I just need to get to the front. Will needs me I can feel it."

Grell said as he staggered away, a trail of blood staining the ground behind him. It's source a massive gash in the reapers side, which was at present being referred to as a 'scratch' by the shinigami himself.

" No I can't let you! I... I promised him, I swore to the boss I wouldn't let you die!" Knox shouted as he fallowed his friend. The younger hated what he was about to do but he was being left no choice. William had pulled him aside when the angels first breached into reaper realm.

_'I'll only ask one thing of you Knox, If it should be the only thing you do consider yourself promoted when this is all over. Just protect Sutcliffe, do not allow him to do anything foolish you understand. Keep Grell alive, I am entrusting him to you.'_

The words reverberated in the young reapers mind as he grabbed Grell on his wounded side. The red reaper instantly dropped to his knees crying out in pain. It was a dirty trick but it had to be done, once Grell was incapacitated Ronald picked up the slimmer male and carried him away. "everything will be fine senpai. you'll see, Undertaker is out their with the boss we are sure to win this."

Win they would, but the cost would be greater than anyone could imagine.

* * *

 

Grell was the first out of the library when the trumpets sounded. The reapers were victorious and he just like so many others, clamored out of the massive door to see the returning men and women. To greet their lovers and friends, and to find out whom among them had fallen.

" Will!" Grell shouted as he ran. He didn't care about the pain in his bandaged side or the fact he wasn't even wearing a shirt or shoes. None of that mattered, he just needed to lay eyes on the man his heart cried for.

Ronald chased after the redhead beseeching the older man to stop lest he irritate his injuries. " I'm sure Boss Spears will come find you, you know how he is senpai. I bet he's just busy with taking a head count of everyone or something."

" Ronnie I don't care! Will!...where are you." Grell paused seeing a figure walking through the haze of dust and smoke. His heart leapt as the silhouette drew closer, only to have his hopes drop seeing the glint of the high arched blade.

Undertaker was not smiling as one would have thought for a man returning under the banner of victory. His blood spattered garments and grime ridden hair told of hardship. His solemn face spoke of grief profound.

A cold chill ran through the red reaper as the ancient approached. "Undertaker have you seen Will ? Tell me... where is he ?"

The silverette could not meet the young reapers eyes, he merely lowered his head and reached into his coat pulling out a familiar pair of black and silver spectacles.

Their lenses cracked and frame slightly bent, the legend however had been sure to wipe away the smears of blood.

Grell felt the weight of what the glasses meant as they where placed wordlessly into his hands. "no..."

He breathing became ragged and eyes brimmed with unshed tears. "No..please ... Please not William please...."

"Senpai...." Ronald's voice broke as he fought his own sadness to comfort his friend. The blond stepping up to grip Sutcliff's trembling shoulders.

"No ! I don't believe you! "Grell screamed hugging his fallen lovers all important glasses to his chest.

"You're lying!" he cried out breaking free from Knox running to Undertaker with his fists clenched. The silverette made no move to stop the younger man who began pounding on his chest in a broken rage. "YOU'RE LYING YOU STUPID OLD MAN, MY WILL IS NOT DEAD! HE'S NOT HE CAN'T BE! "

Undertaker took the red reaper by the arms and held him tightly as Grell's anger lost its venom and fell into wrenching sobs.

"He fought with pride and valor, his last thoughts where of you. So please Grell be proud of him." Undertaker said softly.

Grell had no words left to express the great loss that filled him. He felt like he was being crushed from the inside, that part of his own heart had been ripped from him.

Undertaker felt the reaper clinging to him go limp and he cradled he younger man passing him into his junior's waiting arms. Knox was doing his best to stay strong as he took his unconscious friend.

"what do I do..." the young reaper asked.

Undertaker thought a moment before reaching out a scared hand to dry away the tears on both the youthful reapers faces. "You become what he needs, we all do. William deserves us to do that much for his little rose."

* * *

 

Many were lost in the battle, many grieved, but for the London dispatch no loss was felt so greatly as that of their stoic superior.

It was evening just as the sun was setting when the department said their final goodbyes. In the center of the monuments was a statue of a man, perfectly dressed his posture stiff and commanding. In his hand a pruning scythe.

The mourners had all gone by now, all but one. Grell stood before the statue his face empty having no more tears to give. The reaper quietly placed a hand to the cool marble. " I see you again my love, wait for me."

* * *

 

To most who knew William T Spears, the man was as cold strict supervisor. Yet to one crimson death god, he was everything.


	18. Who you'd be today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song - Who you'd be today - by - Kenny Chesney  
> Pairing: SebCiel  
> AU: Modern Human.

Sebastian was just 15 when he first laid eyes on Ciel this little boy standing at a grave side looking so alone. Sebastian had been there with his sister putting flowers on there mothers grave, he strayed from the woman and watched as the fancy funeral service took place. There where two mahogany coffins being lowered into the damp earth that day.  The small group of mourners included a small boy wearing an eye patch. There was just something about him, Sebastian's heart began to beat a little faster looking at those large blue eyes.   
  
From then on nothing would be the same.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
It took some doing but Sebastian finally found out the boys name. "Ciel Phantomhive" he said it over and over in the mirror practicing his suavest introductions before he felt ready enough to seek out the little Bluenette.   
  
He ended up approaching the boy almost a month later, he spotted the boy at a local park. And by spotted  he knew that Ciel would be there because he had seen him go there every week. Still he made his entrance appear as fate determined by employing the help of his pet cat Ash. Sending the little grey kitten off into the boys direction  ahead of him.   
  
The ploy of "finding my lost cat" Worked out well...alright not well as ciel turned out to be mildly allergic to said feline. However, it got them talking - and so began many talks to come.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sebastian had begun to notice something about his long time friend and...secret crush. For the years he had known Ciel, the younger smiles seemed few and far between. Ciel never really got over his parents death, and his relation ship with his aunt was a strained one.   
  
It was the summer of Sebastian's first year out of high school and Ciels freshmen year. The two of them where sitting in the Ravens car after picking up ice cream. Sebastian had something he really wanted to say, something he had though about intently but didn't exactly know how to go about it.   
  
Then he noticed something about Ciel, it had been a week or so since they had a chance to meet up but... he looked so thin..so tired.  The idea of making his love confession seemed to fall by the way side  for the moment .    
  
"Ciel is there something wrong?"   
  
The younger boy looked up that one large blue eye seemed duller than usual. " No, nothing...so you will be going away soon to college right."   
Ciel quickly changed the subject, though this one wasn't any better than the last. The thought of his only friend leaving tore at him deep inside. Even more so because Ciel had begun to think of Sebastian as much more than just a friend. Not that he would ever say anything, he was sure it would disgust the older boy.   
  
Sebastian smiled and reached over ruffling the boys hair. "You mustn't look so sad, the first semester is not that long I'll be back in December and I still don't leave  until august we have plenty of time."  
  
No...They didn't..  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
It was a rainy July day when Sebastian picked up his phone that vibrated loudly on the glass of his nigh table.  It was to early to be getting bothered and he almost pressed the ignore button until he saw the name on the display .  
  
"Ciel...its..6am whats the mater.."  
  
The voice on the other end of the line wavered, it was muffled by wind and rain. "I..I just wanted to, to hear your voice. I'm sorry if i woke you."  
  
"Ciel where are you .." Panic seemed to coil in the pit of Sebastian's stomach, something wasn't right.   
  
"It doesn't mater, I just wanted to say something..I'm sorry because I have been lying to you. I'm not happy for you at all about your scholar ship. In fact i wished and prayed you wouldn't get it...isn't that selfish of me . I just wanted you to stay with me, i wanted it because...because ..I.."  
The phone began to muddy with static ciels words where broken and lost in the crackling.   
  
"Ciel! Ciel i Can't hear you !" Sebastian jumped up not even worrying that he was shirtless in a pair of lounge pants. He ran out barefoot to his car and began looking for the young phantomhive.   
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
It wasnt like in those fairytales or lifetime dramas where the lovers reunite at the last moment. Sebastian searched all day and couldn't find Ciel, It wasn't until he got home to see his sister sitting waiting for him with a tear streaked face did he know he was to late. That all the signs where there and still Ciel was left to slip through the cracks.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was December it would have been Ciels 18th birthday that day, Sebastian walked that familiar path that he had the first time he saw the beautiful young man. He could still see the bluenettes face in his minds eye.   
  
The raven ran a hand over the granite stone etched with the names of the Phantomhive family, Mother..Father...And Son.   
  
"Hello Ciel, I just wanted to come by and say happy birthday. I know you never liked your birthday but i promised you back then I would always try  and make it better. I wonder, how you would look today. "  if anyone saw him here talking to nothing he would have looked crazy, but it was days like today when the sky was blue and the air cool and crisp. It felt like the little blueneete was right by his side.    
  
Sebastian was willing to be a little crazy, the pain was heavy even after so long. " Do you know how much I miss you, do you know I still hear your voice, it isn't fair. There isn't anyone who can take your place Ciel."  he swallowed back bitter tears placing the bouquet of white roses on the grave.   
  
"I'll see you again someday, that's the only thing that gives me hope. This time I'll tell you ...I love you Ciel..I always did."


	19. Can you hear me when I talk to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Can you hear me when I talk to you - by Ashley Gearing  
> Pairing: SebXCiel fluff  
> Summery: Ciel's thoughts about his Parents  
> Video to side.
> 
> AN: This is prolly the most weepy thing i have ever done...you will need a truck load of tissue.

Time passes by so quickly, to quickly in Ciel's opinion. Even after becoming a demon and spending the better part of a century canvassing the globe. Every December still brought with it that familiar pain. The nights he would spend sitting out in he chilly air trying to remove the memory of fire and loss. So many things had changed since then and yet that was the one thing that never did.

Days he spent seeing happy families walking through streets and busy shopping malls, joyful smiles of parents opening a distant echo in the demons heart.

Even long after he had matured, still he had that broken heart of a once human child.

It was nights like tonight, as Ciel sat on the fire escape of the London apartment he and he's Butler turned companion now resided, that the young man found himself speaking to the twinkling stars above.

" how foolish I was then, to think I would have you forever, I never even got to say good bye."

Sebastian stood just inside cloaked in shadow, his brows down turned as he listened. The elder demon knew that revenge had done nothing to quell that ache inside his lover, even if it was said that devils had no hearts the raven. knew that was false. He knew it for the love he felt for his once Master, and for the hurt that still constricted the last Phantomhive, even after so long.

He stood there listening as moonlight filled the youths now slim face, his features having lost there cherub childishness long ago. Ciel had vaguely begun to resemble the persons the boy longed for.

"There's so many things I want to tell you, things i should have said then. Can you hear me when I talk to you?Do these words ever make it through ? I wondering if I'm wasting my time so often if this is more for my own benefit still.. I'd give anything if I just knew." Ciel said, reaching a hand up to the blanketed darkness above. Looking through his splayed fingers at the glowing heavenly bodies than burned high above the atmosphere.

The elder  felt a twinge in his contract seal, the pain that now contorted Ciel face in a grimace as he fought that bitter emotion he never could tame. Sebastian wanted to take it away but he knew. on some level it was that pain that made Ciel so special.

The young demon took a deep breath, tears stinging his eyes as they gathered in the corners of his sapphire orbs. "Every night I have the same dream, the one where you both find me, where your alive and you hug me. Mother, I can still remember the smell of your perfume, the softness of your voice. Father, the way your hands where so big, I'm sure they wouldn't be now, I wonder if you would be proud of me for avenging your deaths, or would you hate me for the monster that I've become. It's cruel when the morning steals you away from me."

It was times like this Sebastian felt helpless, of all the things he had protected the blunette from, the young mans own mind was beyond his reach. The night when they would lay together and speak openly, after all the years as master and servant had melted away. When he finally saw all the facets the once earl held so closed to the rest of the world.

Ciel dried his eyes on his sleeve, glancing down at the damp city streets, reflection of store front lights dancing in puddles. Their glowing image destroyed by passing cars, he thought of how his mother brought him out in the garden to watch little birds playing in the puddles after a storm. It would always make him less afraid for the next one, knowing that even though the wind howled and the thunder boomed... that after the rain the world was clean and calm. " Do you know how much I'd love to be with you you again, even if just for a moment. I never have stopped being selfish I suppose. I just want to talk to you, Search through my memories is becoming harder, i can barely make out your face when I'm awake. I took that for granted and now I cant let it go."

Sebastian slipped out onto the fire escape wrapping his arms around the slimmer young man, feeling the chill on his the bluenetts porcelain skin. Ciel leaned his head back in the crook of the ravens shoulder. "Do you think they can .. if there are angels,demons and reapers...then something so simple has to be right ?"  The bluenett asked,melting into his lovers embrace.   
  
"Yes My love, I'm sure they can."


	20. I Miss My Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: I Miss My Friend -by- Darryl Worley  
> Pairing: Eric x Alan  
> Au: Basically this is a what if situation, if Eric hadn't did what he did to try and save Alan. so yeah..  
> AN: this is a bittersweet kinda sad, idk if its tear worthy just you might get a lil choked up if you ship this. When i heard this song it felt sooooo perfect for these two. I hope you will agree.

Eric sat alone in the apartment, It had been a year since Alan had passed. People said it would get better, that the silence wouldn't be so oppressive, that his heart would heal given time.   
  
They where wrong.  
  
The Scottish reaper held in his hands a photo of the one is heart longed for. His work callused fingers tracing the image, mind filling with memories.  Every-night they spent in a tangle of limbs, every day with gentle smiles and comfortable conversation.  He missed it all, often in times like these - Eric found him self speaking to the these memories.   
  
_" I miss the look of surrender in your eyes,the way your soft brown hair would fall,I miss the power of your kiss when we made love....But most of all....I miss my friend"_ The words caught as the tears he long suppressed in the presence of everyone else began to gather in the corners of  his eyes.   
  
Alan meant so much, in the quiet of their shared apartment Eric could be himself. No William to scold him about proper behavior, no Ronald always coaxing him into  more goofing off. No Grell always needing a 'big brother' to help him out of his broken hearts.  Not to say Slingby didn't love his friends, they where like his family in a way. However, the time he spent alone in that simple three room living space. That was his heart and soul,where he felt the safest.  
Times when the brunette was ill, Alan would still try and make him laugh. Lighten the sadness from his lovers shoulders.  
  
 _"I miss the colors that you brought into my life....Your golden smile, those yellow-green eyes...I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now...Saying it'll be alright....I miss my friend"_ Those tears the shinigami had held back for so long broke free, cascading over his cheeks and dripping off his stubbled chin.   
  
He missed all those times, all those nights. Their fights,there making up that always ended with tousled bed-sheets and tender kisses. Those quiet morning talks so filled with honesty, and late walks in the warm afternoons.  
  
Eric hugged the tear-stained photo to his chest sobbing in the dark room. He didn't know when it was going to get better. Or even if he wanted it to, even if it stopped hurting one day he would never forget.  
  
 _"I miss my friend....._ "


	21. Give Me Some Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Give Me Some Love - James Blunt.
> 
> * AN * Now i know this seems like an strangely upbeat song for the context, but i think that's the draw of it, sometime its just the tempo that makes something. It doesn't have to be all slow and ethereal sometimes its the chaotic and and almost happy timber that can put you in the mind set of "temporary happiness" that substance abuse offers. which is the feel i wanted to give the reader. so yeah that's my spiel now enjoy !
> 
> Au:Human  
> Warnings: Drug use, self destructive behavior  
> Pairing: Grelliam

William hadn't heard anything from Grell since their falling out several years ago, this wasn't for lack of trying of course. In fact after just six months he started looking for the troublesome red head. However Grell had a wonderful talent for not being found.  
  
For as annoying as the man could be Grell Sutcliff was brilliant, he could look at a person and know who they were, who they really were. It was frightening, especially to William who tried so very hard to hide himself under layers of strict  and proper formalities. Grell could see it though, he could tug and pull away the mask and William hated it.   
Spears hated it so fervently because despite his angry words it thrilled him. That ruby tressed menace made his skin tingle and his heart want. More than once these little exchanges end up in heated embraces, tumbling into apartments knocking over furniture and shoving table wear aside.   
The mornings would be to clear and to bright for William, looking at crumpled linens and shattered plates like they where remnants of his own failed morality.   
  
That's what drove Grell away.   
  
_"Why can't you just admit you love me? What are you so afraid of Will, is it so bad to face who you are?"_   
  
The words of that vivacious maniac now rang loud in Williams head every time he closed his eyes. Grell was right, and what did he do?"  
  
 _"I don't love you, I am not gay!  That..that was a mistake and it will never happen again you just..you just poisoned my mind with your filth now get out! get out!"_  
  
William had been so far in the closet he smelled like mothballs, he lashed out because he thought admitting the truth would ruin everything. Truth was, it would have fixed everything.. for both of them.  
  


* * *

  
  
Grell had done a little bit of everything since leaving London, occupation and...other wise.   
  
He just had to get out, get far away from the things that hurt. He loved William, scratch that... he loves William, perhaps that's the saddest of all. No mater how far he's gone how many faces he has tried to love to fill the void; it was always William- the one thing he couldn't have.   
  
He knew the man in question had been looking for him, but he wasn't ready to face him yet, the words were not there yet. Now he wished desperately for his knight in pressed Armani to find him. To save him from the leering facing and loud sounds. From this hellish existence he had fallen into.  
  
Because now he was so lost, staring into the mirror at a ghost with worn features and paper thin skin. When the money ran out and the depression got to bad, when he should have gone home he refused. Somewhere along the way he let the pain win, and when he did that everything fell apart.   
  
The face staring back at him in the cracked glass was someone else, the track marks on his thin pale arms spoke of someone who didn't care about fixing the pain. The few sky blue pills with the little V cut in the center stared up at him from a trembling palm. "I'll take you seriously" they said  "We can come back as someone else, who's better than yourself"   
  


* * *

  
  
William finally had a lead, and it wasn't one he liked when he heard it.   
  
'"Yeah, i seen a guy kinda like that, think it was guy." Said the little street punk he'd managed to pay off with free lunch at a cake shop. The youth licked a fork and shifted his good eye out the window, the other covered by an eye-patch.  "He's one of the smack fiends over on 34th, a guy runs the house think his names Claude. Some of them do stuff for money you know, others just sell the stuff. Then he has his favorites."   
  
William didn't say thank you, it was nothing to be thankful for hearing what had become of his old friend, the one he knew for sure know that he loved.   
  
Walking down the cold empty street the trash plowing in the wind and seeing a few women loitering about the corners selling 'company' for the evening. It made something in him ache, but he had to do this. He promised himself when he set out on this journey to find Grell that he would bring him home and make this right. He would love him the right way.   
  
Walking up the narrow hallways he could hear voices that sent his feet running. All the while those words in high tenor drifted in his mind _" Why can't you love me"_  
  


* * *

  
  
"Is he dead.. holy shit..what do we do?" A young voice said  fallowed by that of a mans in monotone  
"If he his i cant have him here, drag him out in the alley. You hear me Grell if you live don't come back!"  
  
The next sound was a thump like a body being kicked.  
  
William rounded the corner seeing a young blonde boy dragging out a lanky form by its arms. The youths face looked a bit tearful and he was worrying his lip looking down at the unconscious body.  The teen looked up with wide blue eyes seeing the suit wearing man at the end of the hall.   
  
"Ar..are you a cop?"    
  
"No, I'm ..a friend of his. "William said gesturing to Grell, trying to keep the fear out of his voice.  
  
The teen lowered the limp arms carefully, maybe at least one person had cared about Grell, even if this kid looked to be in the same boat. "Ok ...just, get him out of here." The young blonde darted away down the hall not waiting for a response. Not that he would have gotten one.   
  
William darted to the redheads side, yanking of his glove he pressed his fingers along that thin pale neck desperately searching.   
  
"Please....Please...come on Sutcliff, not like this."  
  
Softly, like butterfly wings William felt it, the gentle lingering bit of life. He was going to make this right. 

* * *

  
  
Grell woke up feeling warm, this was unusual considering he half expected to wake up on a floor or in the gutter, the few instances when he had been tossed into a bath of ice water when he had taken something bad.  But never warm and comfortable, something else..no someone was in the room.   
  
He reached out in the blurry surroundings whimpering a bit half afraid Claude had gone through with a the threat to "sell him ".   
  
"Grell, hold on .."  that voice..no it couldn't..  
  
"Will?"  
  
God no please no, he wasn't ready  all that was left of him now was just tattered remnants of who he was. What did he have to give?  
  
"Shh, your alright I've got you now do you hear me Sutcliff?" Williams face at his bedside started to come into focus. He looked older somehow, a little tired but ...sincere.   
  
Grell was surprised feeling a gentle kiss being pressed to his palm. "What..I don't..?"  
  
"No, don't say anything Grell. I was wrong and i chased you away, I'm not going to pretend anymore because there are more important things. I almost lost you completely, your the only person to ever fully know me and i cant risk that so please forgive me. Please let me take care of you, more than that, let me love you. Like i should have loved you ."   
  
A sob broke from crimson haired male as he launched up wrapping his now thin bruised arms around the neck of his savior. "I'm so proud of you Will, that's all i ever wanted but please don't think this is your fault. I was foolish and i made mistakes to  you don't have to take care of me. We can take care of each other."


	22. Stay high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Stay High - by - tove lo
> 
> pairing: former Claude.X.Alois
> 
> warnings : Drugs,alcohol, self harm, eating disorder.
> 
> The reason I use bolded masculine pronouns when Alois is referring to Claude is for a reason. To show his unwillingness to even think or say his name. These are things many people do when they have been hurt, its negative avoidance and not a great coping skill. This lends to the overall off kilter emotions of Alois in this one-shot. So i hope that clears up any questions before hand ENJOY!

Waking up at 4 in the afternoon shouldn't be this hard, at least that's what Alois thought when he drug himself up off the pile of discarded laundry he managed to pass out in last night when he made it home. The blond wandered into the bathroom only to find it occupied with his previous bed partner. An older youth with long blond hair wearing a tank top with a blue lobster on it was currently fixing himself in the mirror.

" ah,Alfred was it ?" the smaller questioned

The man in the mirror sighed and rolled his eyes before turning around." Alistair not that it matters little dove, I should think we won't meet again. " the man spoke extravagantly bordering annoying as he reached out cupping Alois's face in his hands. "do clean yourself up you look an absolute mess."

The Trancy boy batted away Alistair's hands and shoved the taller male out of his bathroom. "piss off!" he shouted indignantly.

Chambers squeaked at the youth as he stumbled out of the apartment. Once Alois was alone he looked into the mirror regarding the dark circles under his eye and ugly bruises and love bites that littered his neck and chest. It made his heart hurt looking at them and knowing they belonged to some stranger.

" You do look a mess" he said to his reflection before forcing a smile. "that's an easy fix.." he mumbled as adept fingered flipped the latch n the medicine cabinet.

Inside the wall mounted storage were shelves lined with orange and white bottles, almost none of the marked with the correct name. The young land fingertips lingered on the labels as if caressing the flesh of a lover. Carefully selecting his cure for a broken heart, a little white capsule to mask the pain for 4 to 6 hours.

He swallowed the pill dry and shut the door on the cabinet only to be confronted once again by his hollow eyes. "What would **you** think of me now? Would **you** care, no.. why would **you** it's not like **you** ever did." A his voice echoed in the tile room.

By 5 everything was wonderful, Alois cranked up his music and started getting ready for another night. He ate a cup noddle In the bathtub, not even bothering with a towel as he wandered out into the main room leaving a trail of water behind him as he searched for clean clothes. Trowing on tight jeans that had only a few rips and a shirt that smelled like someone else, he deemed himself good enough and hit the town.

"I don't miss **you** at all... " he said to himself, a familiar lie before climbing into a cab to go meet his friends at the local watering hole.

 

  Walking into the black-light lit club and its throbbing music and smoke made his skin tingle. The smell of sweat and booze and a sweet aroma of cannabis.    Blue eyes fell on a familiar mass of red hair, currently sandwiched between to men in the corner.   
  
Just when Alios was about to go and make some comment on his dear friend Grell's behavior, he saw the two mens faces. Black hair, alabaster skin, piercing eyes ...but they where the wrong color. Even so it hurt - they looked to much like.... **Him**. Alios walked away hoping he wasn't noticed, he wasn't nervous no... This was restlessness, and ache somewhere he wanted to chase away. The youth had been around and seen so much..to much. So he made a choice to lose himself on the dance floor, fall into a sea of hands groping and touching. Someone would put a tab of something in his mouth and of course he'd swallow..why not? Worse case you end up dead in a ditch somewhere..wait..is that really the worst?  
  


At some point Alios would get himself together of have someone drag him home. Falling into the dodgy little apartment like always he'd have that lingering high that sent him on a desperate raid of his ill stocked kitchen.   
  
**He**.......had always done the shopping before.  
  
That thought just hurt . "What would **you** do,...would **you** scold me for bingeing on Twinkies at 3 in the morning. Would **you** drag me to the hospital and tell me how messed up I am and pretend like **you** cared? No... **you'd** just look away."

After gorging himself on something like 11 Twinkies Alios groaned and stumbled into bathroom flinging himself over the lip of the tub, he felt to full like he would rip into. **He** wouldn't want him if he was fat. Would **He**?   
Jamming his fingers roughly down his throat the blonde began to gag, his teeth nicking into his already bony knuckles as he squeezes his eyes brimming with tears.  It was disgusting feeling the hot vomit splash around his hand and down his forearm, nothing glamorous like edgy art photos who show models in black and white hunched over toilets.    
  
At least it was out, at least he could feel empty again. Like always.   
  
  
The youth would lay thereon the cold tile starring up at the ceiling, the sick yellow water mark from the apartment upstairs and the cobwebs in the corners. He'd move but he had no money, he drank it all up and it just tasted lonely.

"It's ok, its ok, because if I cant feel I can't miss **you.** "

Days would great the slender fake personable young man as they did before, crooning sweet notions to men who slipped off their wedding rings to pretend they had a different life for a few hours. Alois could loosen up enough and throw himself away because they had money and they spoiled him. He knew what he was doing was to easy but it filled the hours and his pocket, it filled that void that was left. 

"I'll keep **you** off my mind, I'll forget **you**. No mater what I have to lose."

Alois could play pretend and stay in that gilded world he had made for himself because it was cleaner than the truth. Cleaner than standing in-front of a circle of strangers and saying  'Hello I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.' Cleaner than admitting he had driven away the only person mildly willing to put up with him.

However, he was never really alone. If young Trancy really bothered to look he would have seen a man slinking around wearing a thick black coat and cap, shades that hid his golden eyes. Watching over carefully because as fed up as he'd become he never truly quit worrying. Then again he never could say that to the other, they both had their vices in that way.

 


	23. If you see him/ If you see her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: If you see him/ If you see her - by - Brooks&Dunn with Reba McEntire  
> Pairing: Past Grelliam  
> AU: Human
> 
> An: For the context im using female pronouns for Grell.

Unpacking the new apartment wasn't hard, starting a new job was generally painless. It was the nights though, Grell lay awake in a bed to large for one person.   
  
The split was...for the best. That's what she told herself, they fought all the time and then William wouldn't respect her wishes half the time when it came to more personal things. He always felt like he knew better and it was infuriating. Yet, despite all that ... he was always the one.   
  
Always. 

* * *

  
The next day out grocery shopping Grell ran into Ronald in the produce section, he was looking well and she said so. They chatted a bit about her new job and the new place, but of course the question came. "How are you doing..you know about Will and everything?"  
  
She forced a smile but didn't lie. "Its..hard to tell Ronnie, I still miss him more than ever oh but! ..please don't say a word will you ? Just, tell him I wish him well? "  
  
Ronald leaned in and hugged his friend, he could see the tears in the corner of the redheads eyes. "We all were just shocked ya know? You two had your bouts but, well I just want you to be happy, both of you."  
  
"Thank you Ronnie, I..I still need him you know I still love him but I just don't think he wants me after everything. I really should get going It was nice seeing you again, here's my number we should get together again soon ya know?"  
  


* * *

  
  
It wasn't a day later when Ronald Knox stopped into a local pub and saw an unlikely person seated at the bar.   
  
"William?"  
  
The man in question looked up, his hair out of place and tie loosened. "Oh ..hello Knox" Part of him a little ashamed at being caught drowning his sorrows in whiskey but he was a few glasses in so that shame was minimal.   
  
"Wow, its odd to see you here. I was just talking about you yesterday when i ran into Grell."  
  
The name instantly brought tension to Williams shoulders, "Oh is that so? How..how is she?"   
  
Ronald hesitated, William knew by that the next thing the younger man would say was likely a lie. "She's ..fine. I may check up on her again soon though."  
  
"I see, well if you like you may inform Sutcliff I'm fine should she inquire, and I..think of her from time to time. " The drink was beginning to loosen the usually stoic mans tongue.   
  
"Will if you don't mind my asking, are you still..that is to say, Do you still love Grell?" Ronald lay a understanding hand on his friends shoulder.   
  
"...yes, I wonder were we both went wrong... "  
  
A sly smile came the the young blondes lips, "Ya know, why don't you come round mine say...7:30 tomorrow! I wont take no for an answer alright! You look like you could use a good meal." 

* * *

  
  
Grell had gotten a call for dinner with a friend, slipping on a pair of low heels with her jeans and red sweater. Smoothing it down over her frame as she ascended the steps to Ronalds apartment.   
  
"Hey Come on in!" She was greeted at the door by the younger man, beaming his smile as always .  
  
What she didn't expect however was to see William standing in the kitchen, Everything in her wanted to bolt for the door. William seemed to have much the same expression.  
  
"Alright you two, this is crazy and its uncomfortable for the rest of us to see you both in such a sorry state so! with that said talk this out over pizza or I'm not letting you leave!" Ronald chirped locking and bolting the door before dropping the key down his trousers. Knowing Grell would never go fishing and William was to much of a prude to do so. Perfect plan. "I'll be in my room playing xbox !" With that the other dashed away from Grells shouting locking himself in before she could skin him alive.   
  
After a few tense moments the red head abandoned her pounding on Ronalds door and walked tearfully to the sofa.   
  
"I am so awful to be in a room with ?" Williams voice came from behind her.   
  
She looked up from where her face had been sheltering in her denim clad knees. "No..It's just..I know you hate me."  
  
William sighed sitting down next to her, placing a hesitant hand in the center of her back. "I could never hate you. You know that."  
  
"But I was the one who left Will?"  
  
Displays of affection where, difficult if not impossible at the best of times for William T Spears. Still though, he had to try. "You could leave a 100 times, and I'd still be waiting for you Grell."  
  
When Grell looked up her face was cupped in large gentle hands, thumbs caressing away her tears. Her smaller hands reaching up to coil around Williams wrists. "I still need you so much Will."  
  
"I love you to, I should have never let you go." 

* * *

  
  
When Ronald crept out of his room a few hours later he found them curled up on the sofa, nothing scandalous. Grell was cuddled atop Williams chest his arms protectively around her waist. Ronald smiled pulling an Afghan over them and leaving his keys on the coffee table.   
  



	24. The Light Behind Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: The Light Behind Your Eyes - My Chemical Romance  
> Pairing : Ronald/William  
> AU: Zombie Apocalypse, Humans
> 
> AN: Now .I know what your thinking.. How is this going to be sad? Trust me! Have i every steered you wrong? NO! your Senpai knows how to make with the feels so simply trust and GROOOOVE. Ok..lets do this.

They were separated from the group, no one had seen it coming. It was a year into the infection and finding a safe place was getting harder. They had said goodbye to so many friends, every day single flowed into the next and sometimes... in the dark eerily silently nights they would wish they had died beside them.   
  
"William, wake up we gatta go." Ronald shook his friend awake. Ah, they were maybe more than friends now.   
  
If someone had told Ronald Knox, self proclaimed playboy, that he would be in a relationship with a man he would have burst into uncontrollable laughter. Not to mention if that man was his strict almost asexual behaving coworker William T Spears.    
Of course if someone had told him that one day the dead would roam the earth eating the flesh of the living he wouldn't have believed that either. So stranger things have happened.   
  
Truth was that in this new world, the things you never knew or never wanted to know had a habit of coming to the surface.  In the past year Ron had learned allot, seen...to much. He learned that William wasn't as stone faced and heartless as he liked to pretended to be, if anything the man was sensitive. He was painfully awkward but be did care, Ronald had seen that care in many instances over the past year. Watching William carrying tired children in the group who couldn't bring their spindly limbs to take another step. Been with him the night the camp was over run.. when Alan and Eric died. Ronald had seen the tears that cut through the dirt on Williams face as he quietly,reverently dug the two fallen mens graves.  Now.. it was just the two of them.  
  
William woke slowly, it had been chilly and rainy most of the night. They had crawled up into a frait container stacked atop another. It was high enough to keep them safe and the while the rusted metal did not afford much comfort it was shelter.    
  
"I'm awake, Ronald .. honestly i doubt i could sleep deeply at all in here anyway." Spears groaned reaching over lifting the back back with quickly diminishing supplies onto his shoulder.   
  
Ronald offered the older man a smile and leaned over kissing his cheek. "I know babe but we gotta keep going, we need food and water. I spotted a gas station on our way here, it might be slim but I think we could still see if there is anything worth grabbing, if nothing else there are allot of cars on the road we came through on, we can search them on our way out."  
  


* * *

  
The plans were always simple ones, find food,find water, find shelter, and stay alive. With just the two of them it wasn't as worrisome about others being hurt, but at the same time there was another danger...the deepen attachment between them.  Holding up for a few days an abandoned camper  was like some honeymoon period. The days where quiet spent coiled together under blankets, living off a cash of can goods they had found.  Being able to relax ..that was the first mistake. William never got close to people because he didn't know how to be objective after that. He could not guard his heart after he had opened it, and Ronald Knox had splayed his emotions out wide and plundered every inch of his soul.  They made love on musty flannel sheets in a broken down camper with the doors and windows bored up. Guns just with in reach just in case, this was life now.   
  
"I love you Will, I want you to know as crazy as it sounds...if this all hadn't happened I would have never known what it was like to feel like this." the younger man spoke against his neck those warm tan hands pinning his back over his head.   
  
William couldn't even focus for the oppressive emotion that choked the words out of him as he writhed shamelessly beneath his junior ."I..ah..I love you to Ron." 

* * *

  
"GO!" Ronald ran behind him there were to many of them. They had made a error, they thought heading to the original destination the larger group had before the separation would be safest. They were wrong, the large main camp that was suppose to the salvation was over run.  They had waled right into the lions den.   
  
William cleared the way ahead as Ronald covered behind, this was how it always went. William was taller and took longer strides it only made sense to do it this way.  From this day forward William would regret that choice, regret not putting that beautiful young man before himself where he could protect him.   
  
The scream pierced his heart like an arrow as William stopped in his tracks turning to see Ronald fall.  A filthy undead creature pouncing on him as prey snapping his  blood drizzling jaws. Spears shot the first  with expert marksman ship, however it was the one he did not see that sunk its teeth into Ronalds' thigh.   
  
"NO!" William hollered running owe dispatching the creature and dragging his companion up to his feet, only to have Ronald squall in pain.   
  
"You gatta go Will.. please you gatta go you cant carry me it will slow you down!" Ronald protested as the older man took him over His broad shoulders in a firemans lift.   
  
"Shut your mouth Knox!" William barked out the order and did his best to put distance between them and there pressures. Taking shelter in an abandoned house, he tossed Ronald onto a dusty old sofa and preceded to make sure the location was clear then turned his attention to the blonde. 

* * *

  
They knew what a bite meant, and as the days passed Ronald grew more and more ill. The fever, the chills, seizures, coughing up blood as he floated in and out of consciousness . All the while William held his hand.  
  
"W-will...I'm sorry ..I.I'm sorry it had to end this way."  Ronald coughed struggling to breath, his vision was getting worse now.  "You ..you gatta promise me you'll be strong ..ok babe?"  
  
William didn't say anything for awhile, afraid his voice would betray him. He squeezed Ronalds' hand watching the light fading from the young mans eyes. " I..I promise."   
  
"Don't..don't let me become one of them p..please Will."   
  
William leaned down pressing a kiss to Ronalds' sweat laden forehead." I will not, i swear that to you love, you will not be like those monsters."    
  
"I-I'm never ..really gone. Ok?" Ronald lifted a trembling hand placing the palm over Williams heart. "Here..here's my heaven.."  he smiled..that wonderful smile before his hand fell away.  
  
William felt his world stop as the last breath fell from his lovers lips. He placed his hand over the overs still chest. "This was mine..I'll see you again when this is all over.  Thank you for loving me."   
  
  
A single gun shot rang out in the waning light of evening. The next morning the house would be abandoned again. There would be a cross fashioned out of chair legs in the over grown garden perched over freshly tilled soil. A bundle of yellow daisies spread in a hallow over the grave.


	25. Hello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Hello - Evanescence  
> Grell-centric  
> Warnings :Self hate, Self Harm, Depression
> 
> An: Something I just needed to get off my chest.

Stark red hair seemed glaring against the dead winter landscape of the abandoned playground. So vibrant and out of place in the desolate ice covered forgotten park tucked away in a poorer section of London.   
  
The cold bracing winds wiped the tendrils of crimson around their owners lithe form. Grell Sutcliff, he came here often over the years. Before it was at night when all the children had gone;  their happy cheerful laughter nothing but a distant echo through the trees. He had watched this place rust and rot, the curse of a long life of something not human, no children came here anymore.     No one came here anymore.   
  
Just Him.  
  
The slow creak of the swing sets chains accompanies the howling wind that swirled around various aged equipment, all in different stages of disrepair.    
  
Grell liked it here. Perhaps now more than ever before, because now the brightly colored paint had chipped away leaving nothing but rust. It was a reflections of his heart - something gilded and surrounded by temporary beauty and false smiles that was rusted inside.  No one knew, no one ever knew.

Well timed smiles, appropriate laughter, a flair of madness and flamboyant turn of phrase - all these things crafted a beautiful flawless mask. It was easier for everyone that way to be happy and carefree. Even if he could look in the mirror and see the lie painted across his face.

William would have been disappointed, he had enough to deal with with out Grell making more of a mess of things. The man had only grown colder and stricter over the years. Even if Ronald said he could tell their boss was fond of Grell. The crimson death God felt no fondness in his secret loves icy glare. He didn't feel anything anymore.   
  
Warm droplets of red pattered on the snow beneath the swing. Old habits die hard.   
  
If wasn't as if he could die so easily. This was just a distraction from the monotony of living. He wasn't broken either. To be broken would be to imply something had been perfect at one time and something had happen to shatter that perfection .  He was never perfect.   
  
He was flawed from the start.  
  
Slowly the garnet facade faded leaving long dull chocolate hair, the lie his mind created shed like the blood from his veins.

No one would see this, in his sacred place that held his secrets and his tears. This hallowed ground that drank up his immortal life's essence so often.

  "Hello.." his voice barely above a whisper as duel ringed eyes looked down into the quickly freezing puddle of ruby. 

"Hello." He greeted his reflection, the down turned brows and mousy gentle features. The pained face of the timid human he once was.  The one that never fulled died at his reaper resurrection.  The memories of his own death that he should have never retained.  Knowing you where murdered, knowing you where hated and then being hated all over again ...was... crushing.   
  
"I wish this was a dream, I wish i would wake up and mother would tell me i was fevered. Tell me I didn't die beaten and forgotten in the snow.."   
  
Just like every visit, it ended the same. His wounds would close on their own and his mask would be firmly back in place. Crimson hair flowing behind him as he turned his back on the industrial graveyard of childhood dreams. 


	26. You look so good in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: You look so good in love - George Strait
> 
> Pairing : Undertaker x Grell with mentions of Grelliam

William had been seated at the bar for well over on hour, this had become a regular after work event for a while now. He always drank alone on the stool that creaked tucked in the corner where the bar top met the wall. It was dark and out of the way even if anyone from dispatch saw him they wouldn't believe it. Or maybe they would, there was a lot of things William wouldn't have believed years ago. Now it was to late, he finally realized something very important, something that could have changed everything.

_He was in love with Grell Sutcliffe._

To hear this one would wonder why a man in love would be bellied up to the bar. Well, that's because he missed his chance.

♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥

William heard the little tinkling of laughter he knew so well long before he spotted the voice's owner.

_Why tonight, why here, why couldn't he look away?_

There seated at a small table near the dance floor was none other than the object of his affections. Grell looked beautiful, finally free to dress as he pleased. The fitted satin dress that flared just so, that red shiny hair bound up in elaborate curls. A vision to beheld, but that wasn't for William, it was someone else.

Sitting across from Grell was a shinigami William had long respected and revered, the legendary Undertaker. Gone were his human mortuary robes from he dated realm where he resided, replaced tonight by a black dress shirt and pants. The man looked dapper and deserving of the beauty who's hand he held over the table.

It hurt William to see the flush of Grell's cheeks in the low lights, that was more than the wine. Grell to was in love. It suited him, the sparkle in his eyes as he smiled, the gentle thoughtful looks. Looks that William never got to notice in time.

Spears knew he had no one to blame, Grell had tried for so long it was no surprise that the poor man couldn't try anymore.

Why couldn't he see then, how fortunate he could have been to have love like that. Years he wasted not seeing the real person beneath the carefree exterior. To only be able to observe from a distance the kindness and grace that had been there all along.

The younger man watched as Undertaker took Grell onto the dance floor, sweeping and twirling the read heads lithe form. On lookers applauded and Grell blushed, hiding his face in the taller mans shoulder. Then it happened, the moment that would take the red reaper away forever.

Williams heart clenched, yet somehow he couldn't be angry as he watched the silverette drop to one knee pulling the small green velvet box from his pocket. No, William couldn't hate any of it. Because the smile on Grell's face and happy tears were to radiant.

He was happy, because even if Grell didn't love him. The man did deserve love, because it would have been a tragedy for someone like that to wither in loneliness.

William took one last look at the happy couple before slipping out.

♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥


	27. Grand Tour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song- Grand tour: by – George Jones.  
> Past mentions of Claude X Hannah

She said she was tired, she said she was serious, she said… a lot of things he didn’t listen to. Now Claude wished he had.

He wished he hadn’t worked those extra hours, hadn’t taken that ‘tone’ with her when he was annoyed. Sure all his hard work provided him with the finer things in life but what good was it now?

Now all he had left was a grand tour for one.

From the front door of what was one home sweet home had become a cold and lonely entrance to the grand staircase. The air thin and cold, to silent and lacking the bright laughter of his adopted sons. He could almost see them now in the low light of the expensive chandelier. Alois and Luka running up and down the stairs yelling and playing.

He always scolded them for it, he wished he hadn’t.

Claude walked across the polished floors and into the living room, or as Hannah had preferred to call it, “The Family Room”. He never spent enough time in here, and now there was no family to enjoy it with. Just tall fireplace and expensive TV, the leather sofas and plush pillows and throws where the boys would always curl up with their mother to watch movies.

He dropped down into a tan colored armchair, he could remember when it was just Hannah and himself. He would sit here on Saturday mornings and she would bring him the paper. Claude could remember the weight of her body when she would sit across his legs and whisper, ‘ _I love you’._  

He should have said that more.  
  


Not able to handle the memory he fled further into the house, more memories taunting him as he ascended the stairs and down the walls. Each side lined with photographs, to the right a room with sparkly purple letter A, and to the left a room with wooden L. The letters hung on the doors to the rooms of children who were no longer sleeping soundly in their beds.

There had been late nights when Claude came home and would peak in each door at the slumbering little ones, tugging up their blankets of replacing a fallen teddy bear under the arm of its owner. He found it easier to be kind when no one knew, it didn’t feel as awkward. Claude never really saw himself as very paternal. In truth he only agreed to the adoption for Hannah’s sake.

But now?

Opening the doors one at a time and looking in on the empty beds. Shelves that where vacant of the boy’s favorite things. Closet doors left open to scream out the emptiness with in.

He missed them.

There was one more room left, straight ahead, if felt like a death march. A man that had braided the rope to his own gallows. That’s how Claude felt.

  
The master suit, its big bed in the center of the room, the place where they had made love. More often than not lately it had just been a place to sleep, there backs facing the other not touching at all. Why didn’t he try?

Claude sat on his side picking up a famed photo of his now Ex-wife, he could almost hear her voice saying _“Good morning”._

The last nail in his heart lay just inches away on the table, her ring. For the band to be so simple she had loved it so much.

She didn’t love it anymore.

Claude had come to the end of the tour, all the things and money seemed trivial. Everything he needed was across town in a two bedroom apartment. His whole world didn’t need 400,000 square feet and Italian marble. They just needed him, the one thing he didn’t give.  
  


 

 

  
  
  



	28. Dead to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song- Dead to me - By - Melanie Martinez
> 
> Pairing: Alois/ Claude
> 
> Human Au
> 
> An: This isn't sad per say, unless you love Claude then yeah you might be sad. This is more on the dark-fic side.

The fine looping script read " My Condolences - Sincerely, Alois Trancy "

The Faustus family enveloped the young man in such a difficult time for everyone, knowing the little blonde had no one to go to. Claude had been his whole world, and for all appearances he seemed ruined by the loss.

It rained the day of the Wake, a sea of black clothing and black umbrellas converged on the cemetery. Tearful clear blue eyes dropped a single rose on the coffin as it was lowered into the earth. He sobbed his lovers name before hugging Claude's mother.

It was all very sad.

And all... very ...Fake.

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Alois entered the silent apartment, he opened a bottle of wine and poured two glasses. Placing one in front of a framed photo of the man he just buried, clinking the glasses as a small smirk curled on his features.

"Cheers Sweetie," He hummed sipping the dark plum liquor, rolling his tongue to capture a droplet on his lower lip.

"I should say I'm sorry, that's what you say when you lose some one." Alois spoke to the celluloid likeness caressing the cold metal frame with his finger tips. " I used to apologize all the time for the stupid shit you would do, I'm...so sorry for ever being the apologetic one. I'm sorry for lying to your family maybe, their good people; not like you."

The young man giggled leaning over close to the photo, he wished he could have done this in person but, that would have ruined everything. Like his alibi.

Warm breath fogged the glass at the close proximity, " And you thought you could leave me, after all you've done. Thought you could walk away from the wreckage, thought that I was weak. "

Alois pressed a kiss to the photo, smiling against the cool unyielding glass. " just like the real thing." he whispered.

" Who's weak now Claude? "

♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪

Baby your dead to me, I'll morn you when you go...


	29. How to save a life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: How To Save A Life – The Fray  
> Pairing: None – Friendship  
> Au: College AU  
> Ronald & Grell
> 
> AN: If you know someone suffering from depression one of the most meaningful things you can do is pay attention. If this person is displaying behaviors of risk taking, substance abuse, withdrawal – little to no interest in things they once loved, or if you believe they may be harming themselves. Please tell someone, and if you yourself are suffering please know that there are people to reach out to.
> 
> You are Special, You are Loved, and You Matter.

Ronald had noticed his friend odd behavior for a while now, the listlessness, the withdrawal, it wasn’t like the usually bubbly redhead to simply fold in on himself like that. Something needed to be said and fast. Grell was falling and Ronald could see that the landing wouldn’t be pretty.  
“We need to talk.” The younger man said as he walked into their shared flat.   
  
Grell instantly got up from his reclining position on the sofa snatching up his sunglasses and keys from the bowl on the coffee table to make a speedy getaway.  
  
Knox blocked him holding up his hands in surrender, “Sit down, it’s just a talk.”  
  
The older man smiled and flipped a long of ruby hair over his shoulder, “Sorry Ronnie dear but I really must be going, a lady has her appointments you know.”  
  
That wasn’t going to work today. Ronald could see through the lie like water, he could read the not so hidden lines of fear and self-loathing. He could see the man before him wondering why anyone would care.  
  
Grell sat back down reluctantly shrugging off his coat, he was so much thinner than he should have been. Ronald looked at the man’s jutting clavicles and sharp cheekbones and felt a clench of pain around his heart. If this didn’t work he was going to lose his Senpai. If only he had seen it sooner, not stayed out all night parting and flirting with pretty coeds he might have been able to have this talk sooner.  
  
“Listen  ...I know what’s going on ok or at least I can see something not right with you, I care about you and I want to help.” Ronald began as he sat down on the coffee table across from his friend. Taking the other man’s smaller slender hands in his own.   
  
The other looked away mumbling that ‘ _nothing was wrong_ ’ and ‘ _he was being silly’_ and the ever stand by ‘ _everything’s fine’_  
  
Ronald firmed his grip on Grells hands. “It’s not fine ok, I know it’s not. You barely eat anymore and you lay in bed for most of the day. I’m not even sure when the last time you went to class and…and I noticed when you go shopping your buying a lot of bandages and antiseptic. I’m worried about because I care, you’re like my brother er...sister and I love you.”   
  
There was a long silence between them in which Ronald held his breath, he hoped to any god that would listen that his words would make it through. Even just a little.  
  
Grell’s eyes began to shine as he wretched his hands free, “Shut up! You have no idea how I feel!”   
Ronald sat back and allowed his friend space as the man shot to his feet waving his hand and storming angrily through the flat.  
  
“Stop pretending already!” he shouted.

But Ronald didn’t shout back. “I’m not, none of this is an act. I care about you and what happens to you. Please let me help you.”  He said softly following at a distance, he wasn’t giving up he wasn’t going to let his best friend slip away. He would rather Grell hate him and be alive to do so than go down this road of self-destruction.   
  
The anger seemed to leave the Grell's shoulders as he turned on his heels, face raining down tears. “I...I just...” the words were gone. Grell crumbled slumping against the wall behind him.   
  
Ronald steeped forward wrapping his arms around his friend holding the man as he cried. “Its ok...It’s going to be ok.”  
  
“Ronnie I’m so scared.”  
  
“Its ok...I am to.”


	30. The show must go on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song- The Show Must Go On –by Queen  
> Pairing- Grelliam if you squint  
> Summery: Grell has contracted the Thorns of death
> 
> AN: Funfact about this song- This came out in 1991 when Freddy Mercury lead singer of queen was dieing from complication of AIDS. There had been concern he wouldn't be able to preform such demanding vocals. In true showman fashion Mercury was quoted to have said "'I'll fucking do it, darling" and he did. The song was released just six weeks before his death on 24 November 1991.  
> Personally I think this is one of the most endearing and beautiful Queen track, proof that no matter how hard things you can keep going even right up to the end.

Grell Sutcliff, reaper to die for. London Dispatch one and only crimson shinigami.   
  
Had made a fatal mistake, he cared for a soul that he as reaping. It would sound out of character but it could happen, and did too many reapers over the course of their service. Grell not the exception to the rule. Many a reaper in training fell victim to out of control reels of cinematic records or became too involved in a target. It was one of the hazards of the job.  
  
The problem was when it happens more than once, and when it wasn’t just the worry of renegade records but the feeling that festered around the damage done.   
  
Now as the vibrant reaper sat in his apartment looking down at the note from the infirmary he knew there was nothing to be done. He had asked for discretion, the physician had obliged him saying, “Whenever your ready officer Sutcliff, come to me and I’ll see to it that you have a proper written request for leave of absence.”  
  
Grell didn’t want that, he didn’t want to stop reaping or have people look at him with pity the way they had pitied Alan Humphries.   
  
Thorns would not define him, not if no one knew.

* * *

  
  
From then on nothing looked the same, he quietly took in the world around him with eyes because now, he wasn’t so immortal. Those names on his to die list took on new meaning, because one day he would be joining them   
  
But not today, and maybe not tomorrow.   
  
One day, one say soon.   
  
But until then the show must go on.

* * *

  
  
Grell hid it well for a very long time, covered the pain with smiles and make up and his flamboyant presence. Because that’s what everyone was to expect of him, and far be it for him to let his adoring friends and almost lovers down.   
 He took Williams repeated rejection in stride, he learned that no matter what the man did, Grell knew he cared.   
So the red reaper became warmer, more understanding. He turned a corner and became what his friends saw as well seasoned and mature.   
  
They never knew that when Sutcliff was alone he was slowly breaking.  
  
 “The show must go on.” He would say as he sat at the vanity wiping away his daily mask. Underneath he looked to pale with circles to dark saddled below those doe eyes of gold and green. The truth beneath the fairytale was a grim one.   
  


* * *

  
It was a summer day when it happened, William was the unlucky witness of the beginning of the Crimson shinigami’s final curtain call. They were out together on a reap, being shorthanded as always the dispatch supervisor was forced out into field work. Spears had been standing a few yards away on a rooftop when he heard the tell-tale wet coughing and wheezing from his right. Something he had not heard in the decades since Alan Humphries passed, yet one he would never forget.   
  
It chilled him to look up and see his longtime friend crumble to the ground at the mercy of the fit. William was at Grell side in an instant. The redhead smiled in spite of the pain when he felt the larger gloved hand gripping his own accompanies by the strong arm draped around his shoulders.  
  
“How long.” William asked not that he truly wanted to know the answer, the usually stoic man could feel his own heart breaking at the thought of it. He needed to know.  
  
“The last fifteen years.”   
  
For William it felt like being shot, that white hot pinpoint shock to his brain. That long and he, one of the most observant reapers in London hadn’t even noticed until now. Most reapers with the thorns could last 20 maybe 30 years at best. William hoped for the latter even if he did not voice it.  
  


* * *

  
“ I always loved you, you know. It wasn’t all just flirting for the sake of it.” Grell said laying back on the plush rose colored pillows of his bedroom. Things had gotten worse, he could no longer hide from the world behind a ruby painted smile.   
  
This didn’t mean he accepted the sympathy, if anything the red reaper imposed a straight no tears rule to his visitors ever since Ronald had an outburst clinging and sobbing like a child. As sweet as it was Grell didn’t want that. So here he sat with the most unlikely of company, the final hour much like the first. He and William alone.  
  
“I know.” The dark-haired man said solemnly, his posture as perfect as ever at his longtime friend and colleague’s bedside. Only now his face didn’t not read of total composure. There were broken lines at the edges that threatened to fall. “I always knew.”  
  
“ I’m glad then. I couldn’t leave you thinking you were merely a passing fancy in my heart dear William.” Grell said reaching out to take the other man’s lager hand between his own.   
  
The room was silent for a time before William Spears resolve finally broke, because honestly he couldn’t let Grell leave like this. So silently he lifted the red reapers hand and placed a chaste kiss to the cool delicate hand. “You have never been anything as simple as a passing fancy to me. Honestly Sutcliff, you have been so much more.”


	31. What hurts the most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "What Hurts The Most" Rascal Flatts  
> Pairing: SebCiel  
> AU- Human/Collage
> 
> An: This is written from Ciels Pov. So ….feels here ya go!

My shrink told me it would be a good idea to write about how I feel about things. More specifically about loss. I suppose today is as good as any day to start.  
  
  _Entry 1:_ I learned at a young age how to handle pain. I used to think my heart died with them but it grew back and I guess that was my first mistake. My second mistake was ever letting Sebastian Michaelis in my life.   
  
Even now sitting here watching the rain pelting the earth from my window, seeing everything washed clean and listening to the pattering on the roof of this empty house… It doesn’t bother me.  
  
I don’t think of what it reminds me of, well… not as often any more.   
  
I’ll admit that at first I would sit in the quiet darkness of our, No now it’s just my- bedroom, letting out a few tears. It’s not like I’m afraid to cry or even ashamed. I know I have every right to, the thing that upsets me more is having to go on. Every single day just waking up and knowing that I’m alive and he’s not.   
  
I pretend that I’m ok and no matter how everyone tries to step softly around any topic or using his name. I tell them not to treat me like a child. I’m not fragile, far from it; if anything I have grown cold as stone.  
  
What hurts the most in all this was that I let him get so close. He was closer than anyone had ever been in my life, I trusted him with everything. Even so I could never say the words, the words I know he wanted to hear from me. I silently damn my pride, I damn myself because I feel like a murdered. I watched him walk away that day well all he wanted was to hear me say “stay….I love you  ...so stay”   
  
I’ll never know now what we could have been, never get past that awkward stage of  ‘are we lovers? Or just beneficial friends?’   
I look back and realized I loved him all along and I was too afraid or too stubborn to just say those words.   
  
Everywhere I go there’s a reminder of him, I could see a man  in my peripheral vision with short black hair and for an instant my heart skips a beat and I think…‘ _this was all a bad dream_ ’ it’s not.   
  
When I see friends and they smile and ask me how I am or worse that horrid phrase of “How are you holding up?”  What does that even mean?  Like I suddenly lost my bones when they buried his.   
  
Going on everyday can feel like a chore, I never imagined that I would feel so completely broken. Even losing my parents I was able to rationalize that it wasn’t my fault. With this I have regrets that I can’t seem to shake. I can still hear the things I said to him, I can still feel the teacup in my hand that I flung across the room and my ears won’t stop ringing from my own shrill voice demanding him to leave. All because he wanted more, I was so ashamed about my public image that I couldn’t just be with him. Why I couldn’t just love him and let the world know. Why I had to push him away.  
  
It wasn’t that I didn’t love him.   
  
I hope he didn’t die believing that I didn’t; that’s what hurts the most.  
I can still see his fading silhouette walking out of the dorm. I should have followed him, I should have shouted from the window that I was sorry. That’s right though, I can never be sorry…not when it matters. Not the one bloody time that it mattered, not when it might have made him not get in that car. Not drive angrily through the pouring rain.  
  
Not die.  
  
Some days are better than others, today is not one of those days. 


	32. Landslide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Landslide by Stieve Nicks  
> Pairing: Past Sebastian/Grell – future Grelliam  
> AU-human  
> An: not really sad, but introspective I really feel this one from personal experience, kinda closer in a way so please indulge your senpai in her emotional sharefest lol This might happen pretty often with the stress I’m under. 7 college classes will, looking for work, family drama, oh and I broke my glasses today. Yep Winning. Ok enough of this boring me here’s the oneshot.

He thought it would be harder, packing up his things and leaving. He thought it would earth shattering to admit that they had grown apart. Somehow it wasn’t.

Grell packed up his things pushing them into the boot of his car, sparing a final glance at the little house he and Sebastian had picked out only a few years ago. Funny how things can seem when your young and in love. So naïve about how life is suppose to be like a storybook. How he felt like the princess in a fairytale when the ravenette finally gave into his flirting all those years ago.

 

However, even fairytales have an ending and it’s not always happily ever after.

 

He took a breath, exhaled slowly, and looked into the rearview mirror at his own reflection. He wasn’t the same person he was ten years ago or even five years ago. There was a time when the prospect of being alone would have sounded like hell. Now? Well now, it sounded like freedom, a journey into the next season of his life.

He never looked back again.

* * *

The new apartment wasn’t so bad, for someone who had been so afraid of change. Having built the last decade of his life around another person Grell wasn’t sure what to think when those first few nights of sleeping and waking up alone didn’t feel so bad.

 

The silence was, comforting. What this maturity was? Everyone gets older and time changes you in many ways. Not always in the best of ways but also not in the worst.

He had moved 40 miles away back to his old hometown, living in a flat not 30 minuets away from where he had gone to school. The familiarity of it all was a breath of fresh air, sure, it wasn’t the bright lights of the city and the convenience of the trendy brand name stores but it had something special to it. A kind of glow that only little towns have.

Grell felt..ok, he wasn’t lonely and he wasn’t looking. Sometimes though it’s when you’re not looking that you find just what you need.

* * *

He had been getting ready that morning when the earpiece broke off his glasses. It was a shame, looking down at the little copper wire frames. _Sebastian had been with him when he got them._ The thought passed through his mind looking at the remnants of the specials lying in his hands.

 

“It’s been time for a change anyway.” he said to himself trying his pest to balance the now crippled frames on his face enough to take a drive to the local optometrist.

 

**Pops Optical**

 

Grell snickered to himself pulling into the parking lot of the old building. “I see something’s never change, old Pop’s has to be in his 80’s by now,” he said walking into the shop where his mother had taken him to get his first pair of glasses over 25 years ago.

 

Of course the old doctor remembered him, and the obligatory eye exam was littered with chitchat and catching up.  At the end of the exam, the Pops filled out the prescription pad handing it over with a tip of his head.

 

“We have a new store just next door, expanded the stock that’s why the old displays are gone from the front. You can go over there and have a look.” He said handing Grell the script.

 

The redhead smiled and thanked him going into the frame shop adjacent to the office; it was nice and orderly frames organized by type and color. Someone was very into organization apparently. It was nice though Grell thought, to be passionate about ones work.

 

“Grell Sutcliff?” A voice said behind him

 

Grell turned around his red hair spinning behind him, there before him was a face he hadn’t seen since his senior year of high school. “William?”

 

William T Spears, President of the student council. The years had been kind to him that much was clear as Grell appraised the man with his eyes. Very kind indeed.

No longer the skinny young man with sharp features, however the nervous habit of adjusting his spectacles still seemed to be there. Nevertheless, my how William had filled out, tall and broad shoulders, his face was a bit more defined and strong. Grell felt his heart flutter.

* * *

They spoke for a few moments once again catching up on the last 15 years; Grell had not noticed the slight distaste in Williams face when he mentioned his newly failed marriage.

 

William couldn’t understand why anyone would throw someone like Grell away, annoying at times yes but that wasn’t all he remembered of the vivacious strong willed redhead that was once Captain of the track team and played lead in almost every drama production their little school had all those years ago.

 

After a while, Grell mentioned he would come in for new frames and as luck would have it, William worked there. He had gone to medical school and was working with the old eye doctor until he would eventually take over the practice.

 

They wandered around the shop for a moment looking at different styles; finally, William spoke up looking at Grells face fall at the sight of the ordinary little wire-frames.

 

“You know Sutcliff; those don’t suit you at all. In fact I think I have something that might be more complimentary to your features.” William said disappearing into the back for a few moments.

 

When he emerged, carrying a small white box Grell blinked in question but said nothing. He stood perfectly still as William drew up a pair of plastic red frames from the box and slipped them gently on his face before holding up a mirror.

 

Grell looked at his reflection, it was different. The red was bright and new, it was lighter than his hair. Sebastian would not have liked something so audacious.

 

“Perfect.” William side peering around the mirror catching the slighter mans eyes.

 

Grell blushed. “I’ll take them.”


	33. White Flag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: White flag - Dido
> 
> Pairing - Undertaker/Grell
> 
> Au- Renaissance

Rules were made to be broken; and break them he did. Grell Sutcliff, Prince of Britannia, was to be wed to young woman from a neighboring kingdom as apart of a longstanding arrangement between their parents that would unite the lands and bring peace. She was a simple child who was seven years his junior and he had only seen her in passing and felt no love for her nor malice. It was this lack of love that drove the boisterous young Nobel to turn his eyes upon others in hopes of kindling that spark of passion he had heard of in whispered tales.

His love did indeed lay else where, that fire had been lit within the prince by none other than the knight of the realm.

The sight of the mans silver hair cascading over his black tunic and chain-mail made the young prince's heart race. With anticipation, oh what fortune would it be for him to know the strength under that well trained body. What joy to learn the hidden tenderness by those battle callused hands.

"mind your eyes Majesty lest they betray your heart." a monotone voice said from the princes left.

Green eyes met gold as Grell regarded his personal footman, Claude Faustus.

"And what would you know of love, you have less of a beating heart than my dear cousin William." the prince said rolling his eyes and resuming his staring out at the courtyard where the proud knight was located.

Claude sighed watching his young Majesty fawn over the man below. " Enough to know that this affection you harbor will sharpen your gelatine."

* * *

 

His servant was correct, but that did not stop the young Prince. As it is said ' the heart wants what it wants.' And the knight wanted him as well.

They would meet in secret far away from the gilded court halls and servants. A hidden place that only they knew, were titles meant nothing and only importance was found in long slow kisses. Alas, that holy place for the lovers could not remain.

As the season grew colder and the days shorter they both knew what was coming.

"This has to end m'dear, your to be wed come spring. You'll have no need of a mad old warrior like me, not with a pretty young wife and a court expecting heirs." The silverette spoke softly as they lay together, the younger mans hand tracing the scars that mapped the knights past.

" I know.." the noble replied in sullen timbre. " I know."

* * *

 

Simply because a love is forbidden it does not die. This was true for the Prince, even as he said his vows and pledge his virtue to a girl who was as fine as the crown jewels themselves, his heart cried out for another.

* * *

 

 

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you." He spoke to his knight in hushed tones, placing his hands on the others strong chest feeling the steady thrum of the mans heart beneath his palms.

"Sir, you can not do this. Your married to the lady Angeline, your to be king and have heirs to your throne. I am only meant to protect m'dear. I regret if i have done your heart ill but this can not continue."

"They call you undertaker because of how many bodies have lay slain by your sword." Grell began looking with a sad soundless plea up into the knights eyes. "But truly I think it is for the love you've claimed. You buried any hope i had at finding another the moment you touched me."

* * *

 

Grell knew they could never go back, or even forward. Once Angeline found out, he had never intended to harm her with such knowledge that the love he felt for her was not as great as the love she felt for him.

Nor had she intended for the outcome of her broken heart to be as it was now, Mercenaries of the church pounding down the castle doors.

They called him broken and filthy, laden with sin. They refused to accept such a man as their future king.

"Grell I... I never meant for this to happen I didn't think my sister would tell!" She begged for his forgiveness from the other side of the thick bared door to his tower cell.

"I know you didn't my madame, my red queen. You were hurt and it is a hurt I know well. I do not blame you for this, it would have come with or with out your aid. I ask only one thing of you, do not let them take him. Do what you can to keep his name secret?"

She did, she told the bishops she did not know what man had broken her husbands mind or if it was simply the devil. Grell in concordance offered no identity to his lover.

Undertaker burned to tell the truth, to charge into the castle and throw him self on the mercy of the council in hopes that he might pay his lovers price. But that was not to be. Grells only wish was that he not surrender.

* * *

 

The crowd cheered and screamed as the former royal was lead across the platform dressed in a tattered white night shirt. They called for his final words, asking him to beg for forgiveness.

He did not.

With eyes toward heaven and and a smile upon his lips he spoke the words. "I'm in love and always will be,I know i leave much destruction, I have caused nothing but trouble but I will go down with this Love And I won't surrender."

The young princes adviser watched with a heavy heart as the blade dropped.

No one could hear the one cry of agony over the cheers of the crowd, no one saw the Knight throwing down the banner of his kingdom and leave. There was nothing left here, and while he may not die for some years the Knight would also not allow another injustice like this to occur. If he had to be the only one to fairy the sons and daughters of the land away to safety so that they may know a love with out end he would do so. He would never forget the memory and the strength of that young man who smiled at him through the crowd before death.

 


	34. Take it away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Take it away - by Twiztid.
> 
> Modern human au
> 
> Grelliam
> 
> Warnings: drug use, trigger warnings
> 
> AN: This is ..Personal don't think I can discuss it fully but my writing is how I go in that direction. The words come from a deep place that has been itching to come out. Just as the song says, "tell me it's over, I need the closure" This is my closure. I do hope you can all respect that for what it is, so if you see this as OOC just take it for what it is. Thank you.

**Grell POV~**

 

It's been years since school, they say kids are just cruel but those kids grow up and turn into asshole adults. Maybe I was just a monster from the day I was born, that would explain the way I was treated, the way I am treated.

 I've grown beyond caring now as I thrust a middle finger up as I walk by. I know what I deserve and it's not this bullshit that other people throw on me.  Abuse and ridicule are like breaths of wind, the emotion they used to tear out of me died.  

I could have been saved once, and maybe I was.. Now I'd rather save myself.

 

***" _Thick skin makes it harder to cut them deep wounds, unless there's already scar tissue covered with attitude."**_ *

 

it was Grell's first day in his new school, he made a decision that first day to live his like as he wished. Slipping on a form fitting black dress with red studded belt and matching heels. Looking into the mirror he felt fierce, painting on a coat of "Ruby Slippers" red lipstick he had his armor on.

 

By the end of the day however that was shattered, he was just a little too tall. His voice not quite high enough, his shoulders slightly broader than he wished they were. He was able to make it through two of his 3 classes before someone asked.

 

"What are you?"  

 

It wasn't eloquent or kindly asked, there was no harmless curiosity it was meant to hurt.

The cat was out of the bag and there was no going back, he dropped out halfway through his first semester unable to take the taunts, not from weakness but lack of energy. One could only come out to vulgar words written on one's car so many times.

 

_***"I can't tell if it's all a dream, cause this here don't feel right to me. And I can't be who I want to be,"***_

 

Things just seemed to spiral out of control, Grell couldn't find a job not with how he looked, at least not with how he wanted to look. Even trying to conform, to so little experience and no extended education he was just another name at the bottom of the application tray, someone to be passed over.

 

No job means no money, no money means no flat. Living in your car in the slums isn't easy, things happened so quickly. A man with dark hair and golden eyes whispering sweet promises in the form of a few pills. "It will make it all go away."

 

Scraping together a few dollars the purchase would made. There was once a time when Grell thought he was beyond this. He thought he was stronger than he was back in high school. The truth was he was just as broken as he ever was, he had never really healed he just told himself that a new start would make it all better. Everything was just a Band-Aid to an old problem.

 

_** "I wear it all like a horrible suit of  shame, I'm damaged already and no I'll never be the same."***_

 

**Grell pov**

 

The first time I saw him again I was coming out of a methadone clinic, not a great impression I know. I ran right into my former friend and knocked his coffee out of his hands and all over that nice three piece suit.

 

He didn't even recognize me at first, just wrinkled his nose and stepped back. I understand I cut my hair off again and I probably looked like shit then. I think I almost hoped he wouldn't know, that he would have just forgotten but then... William never forgot anything.

 

_*****" declare war on a misfit, that's what I get for being different."****_

 

"Grell?" William couldn't believe his eyes, this had to be a joke.

 

He remembered Grell from there days in school, this however was not the man he remembered. This was a gaunt shadow. With sores on his skin and wild eyes, this was the face of death clothed in the skin of his old friend.  Something in him pushed forward and demanded this tragedy end. William wasn't the kind of man to get involved and he couldn't.. not get involved in this.

That day he bought is old friend coffee, and food because he was sure Grell had not eaten for days. The next day he went to meet the redhead again. At a public park because the other would not tell William were he was living.  Spears didn't have to be a smart man to realize that was because the other did not have a permanent residence.

 

"Sutcliff, I want to help you. I can not stand ideally by and watch you do this with your life." He put on his stern voice.  Looking back William would realize he could never have forced Grell to be better. But that was all he knew how to do. If something did not work apply pressure, make it happen.

 

People don't work that way.

 

_*** " I'm stuck here in this nightmare, well aware that you don't care if I took my last breath of air and just like that I disappear." **_

 

**Grell Pov**

 

At first I thought I had some savior, someone who would love me. I'm unlucky I should have known when I explained everything to William he would just try and 'fix' me. Take away the substances you will feel better. Then there's withdrawals and you just want to die, when that's over you think yeah your right. That beautiful moment of clarity when you can look at your sober life and see some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I made a mistake picking him as my guiding light, the first time he came home from work and I was going to surprise him. I put on make up and a pretty dress, I was going to thank him and tell him how I feel. Tell him that I was falling love with him.

 

His face..seeing me like that was like a train wreak in slow motion. He just pushed me away, he told me to change. The worst part was he wasn't even angry.  If he had hated me for it I could do something with that. He just looked afraid, like I was going to infect him with my sickness.

 

Maybe he liked it and that's what was so scary, I could tell that he loved me but he didn't want the real me. He wanted the boy he knew all those years ago. That carefully crafted angry facade that I put on because it was what I was suppose to be.  

 

No one can take away this feeling, so maybe I don't need it taken away.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	35. Girl Crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Girl Crush - Rachel Morgan or Little Big Town
> 
> Pairing- William/Fem!Ron & Unrequited Grellium

 

Grell could not take his eyes off her, she was perfection defined. Everything he was not, Ronda Knox had everything; long blond hair, shapely figure, a laugh that could charm any one around her.

 

Most of all, she had William.

 

The crimson reaper found himself staring at the younger reaper as she spoke, dreaming of the taste of her lips because they would taste like the man he loved.

 

He wondered how those same lips whispered in the dark all those sweet words he longed to say to his old friend. All the things he could never say because William would not have welcomed it. It was crushing him from the inside out to know that he would never be more to William than a friend. That she was the one who had Spears heart in the palm of her hand.

 

Grell would lay awake at night staring out at the star speckled sky, feeling the broken heart still beating in his chest. Looking over at his large and very empty bed, knowing that not far away in an apartment much like his; Ms. Knox was slipping underneath those expensive white satin sheets in William's bed.

 

 Her legs where tangling with his and she was trailing her hands over the mans perfect skin, mussing his dark hair over his brow. She would wake up in those arms that Grell longed for.

 

Ronda was not a bad person, he did not hate her. If anything, Grell loved her, maybe as much as William did. He wanted to drown himself in her perfume, surround himself in everything she was because then maybe William would want him just as much.

 

 

 


	36. It's all over but the cryin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song➡ It's all over but the cryin. By Hank Williams Jr  
> Pairings. Sebastian/Grell with SebCiel mention

Grell sat in his apartment looking at an old photo of himself and his boyfriend Sebastian. They used to be so happy, that had changed recently. It didn't happen all at once, more little by little.

All the things the redhead tried to ignore, all the lies he let the raven get away with. How many times had Sebastian said he was "helping a sick friend."

Grell felt his heart break when he saw the text messages from Ciel. Those words meant only for lovers... **"I miss you.","I need you.","I love you"**.  
All those words glaring at him from the little 5x3 inch screen.

It hurt to be betrayed so deeply, to be lied to by the person whose supposed to care for.you the most.

He knew it was over.

* * *

 

When Sebastian came home filled with mixed feelings of happiness and guilt, he found the hard choice had been made for him.

Half of the.closet was emptied, the.flat lacked the vibrant red. Left only was a note taped to the bedroom door.

_Dear Sebby,_

_Your a very good actor my darling, or perhaps I only saw.the truth as I wished to see. I know your unhappy and so am I . I simply can not go on with this play of love, this.is our curtain call my dark Prince. I hope you and Ciel are happy together, as for me ... Tonight I shall shed my tears for my broken heart and tomorrow who knows? Perhaps I.will.go.one to find a better love that shall never die._

_Sincerely- Grell_

 


	37. Skin (SixxAM)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Feeling like crap right now...this happened. I write to let go of things, so yeah here you go
> 
> Song - Skin by SixxAM
> 
> Pairing - Undertaker/Ronald
> 
> AU: Human

Damien Craven worked as an Undertaker that was not his first profession of course. He had once been a kindergarten teacher. However, all of that ended after the accident.

 

Ronald Knox was a recent graduate from a local community college; he had worked hard to become a nurse. He wanted to help people and his sunny personable attitude made it easy. While the young man was a bit of a flirt, he never honestly tried to break any hearts.

He loved his job working in the bustling city ER; it was exciting and gave him a chance to meet all sorts of people.  Nevertheless, while his job was exciting it also had a down sided. He was the person that was there on people's worst and best days. He had to stand by to offer a kind word and help dry tears. Ronald took all of this in stride because he knew what he was doing was good.

 

* * *

 

It was chilly August night when the trauma bay doors opened and a group of EMTs wheeled in a gurney. The call had come in 15mins ahead of the paramedics ETA. The trauma team had been on alert and Ronald was preparing the bay for the patient.

 

Male; age 32; heavy lacerations and possible head trauma from a motorcycle accident.

 

The man they wheeled in had long silvery hair that pooled off either side of the stretcher, his hands flexed at his sides and he ground around the oxygen mask they had placed over his mouth.  

 

Ronald smiled and assured the man they would take care of him. The young man did his best not to react to the gash across the mans face. It was bad, these types of accidents usually were. He just hoped the guy would survive.

 

* * *

 

Things had turned out much better for Damien than anyone thought.  He was 'lucky', that's what the doctors said. Unfortunately it was hard to feel lucky when the children in his class cried and ran away from him. He tried not to take it to heart, they were just little ones and it was their innocence that caused their fear. They did not understand and he could not blame them.

 

Therefore, he bowed out of teaching and took a few night and online classes. He had a good friend who owned a mortuary and was in need of an embalmer. In a way it felt fitting, a dark new persona he could hide behind.

 

* * *

 

The next time Ronald saw the man from the ER it had been over a year, it happened all by accident. A friend of his was working at a floral shop and they had a large order for a funeral and asked Ronald if he could help deliver the sprays and large casket topper to the mortuary.

 

It was the flash of long silver hair and laughing voice that made the young man look up from the flowers. However, this time the hand was hiding his face under a curtain of long wispy bangs. Knox knew why subconsciously but then. He wondered why. As he recalled he had seen the patient once before discharged and yes white the facial wound was very pronounced the rest of the mans face was ..Extremely handsome. If anything, it just added character.

 

"Hi there!" Ronald walked up grinning ear to ear with his hand thrust out.

 

Undertaker looked at the young man like he was crazy, for a moment he thought the two toned blond was speaking to Mr. Slingby but then he just kept coming closer to him instead.

 

"Hi, um hey... You probably don't remember me and forgive me if this is kinda weird for you but I work at St.Johns. My names Ronald Knox by the way."

 

The mortician smiled handling out his hand, he almost immediately wanted to pull it back though when the younger mans eyes flickered down to the scars over his fingers and that wrapped around his wrist before disappearing under the long dark sleeve of his shirt. However, Ronald just kept on smiling and grasped his hand shaking it fervently.  

 

"I'm sorry m'dear, can't say I do remember you. There was quite a few staff that day and I find it difficult to place all of the faces."  He said taking in the youngman's features. He looked so young and so. Happy

 

"No problem I understand, so how have you been if you don't mind my asking? Also I'm glad to see you up and around, you gave us all a scare me especially."

 

The silverette rubbed the back of his head, his fringe parting slightly, about to answer when a gasp came from behind the other flower arrangement.

 

The young woman was staring, and he knew why. It wasn't the first time things like this had happened. Undertaker found himself retreating further behind the curtain between the viewing room and the stairs leading down into the embalming theater. "Please excuse me Mr. Knox."

 

"Hey wait a second...um hold on...ah...gee this seems weird but ...would you, I don't know." The young man was blushing prettily "what time do you get off of work? Maybe we could some coffee or something."

 

Craven was. Astonished "8, unfortunately I don't really drink coffee." or go out in public... However, he wasn't going to say that.

 

"He no worries! How about I pick something up and meet you back here we could go sit out in the grotto maybe and just chat?"

 

Something that had been so cold for the last year began to warm inside of him. "Yes, I would like that."

* * *

Afternoon tea, tuned into dinners and walks in the evening. A friendship had begun to bloom and then that began to become something else.  

 

All the while Ronald had noticed the insecurity of his new friend, and hopefully one-day lover. He wanted so badly to change that, to erase all the hurtful things people would say and all the knee jerk reactions to the older mans appearance.

Most of all he wanted Damien to trust him.

 

All of this finally came to a head one night in the older mans apartment. The two of them had been sitting on the sofa watching a film when Ronald finally got up the nerve. He leaned over and gently kissed the others thin lips.

 

The match was struck and they found them self's tangled up on the sectional. Damien reached up to tug the lamps change and cover the room in darkness when Ronald stopped him.

 

"No, I want to see you."

 

That single phrase seemed to make the silverette turn cold and pull away.

 

Ronald wanted to slap himself, "Hey Dee listen to me there's no need to be ashamed."

 

"Why because you've seen worse?" The undertaker hissed crossing his arms and angling away.

 

"No, because I know you. Because I know your more than your scars, I know your heart and I know you're a good wonderful man so please...just be with me and trust me." Ronald said standing up from the sofa to stand in front of the silverette. Slowly the young man began stripping off his own clothes, with no regard for modesty because that's how much he trusted Damien.

 

Craven found himself once again in awe of the beautiful lively youth before him. Ronald had layer his heart bear for him and still he held back because all this time he let the pain define him.

 

Undertaker stood and led Ronald back to the bedroom; he lit a few candles in the master suit and set the blond down on the foot of the bed. He stood before him unbuttoning the black dres-shirt one button at a time. Reviling the large diagonal scar across his chest that curved and wrapped his torso, the scar that swam around his neck, another that curved over his right bicep and the circle about his left wrist.  He stepped out of his trousers and stood there with the litter of raise jagged marks and wide shiny red valleys in his skin.

 

Last, he ran a hand back through his hair exposing his face.

 

For a moment, the world was silent and small, then Ronald leaned forward placing his smaller hands on his boyfriend's hips, he placed gentle kisses on every mark.

 

"You are not your skin."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	38. You are not Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Not Alone - by- Red
> 
> Pairing: Grellium
> 
> Au - Military/ scifi
> 
> An: I know this is a Christian genera song, and hopefully that won't turn some of you off from it. It is I think one of the most beautiful songs about hope. Sometimes we all need something to believe in and someone to believe in us. If you find that in faith or love or even creativity, it's an important part of life

_Year- 4690, Planet Britannia Settlement New London_

 

William was so tired, the fighting had begun early that morning and took out his regiment's ship. They were now somewhere in the forests of New London Settlement. Not many had survived the crash, some of the men who had - deserted. They wanted to take their chances in the untamed wilds of the newly settled planet rather than wait for the enemy to descend upon them.

 

 William couldn't blame them.

 

Spears thought he was alone, he would have no chance if the invaders ships came. He wondered if it was even wise anymore to stay near the wreckage and keep hanging on the hope that somehow there would be word from his commanders. Word of rescue, of anything at all to let him know he hadn't been forgotten.

* * *

 

Grell Sutcliff slammed his hands down on his Captains desk.  "WHAT THE HELL!"  The redhead shouted, his short hair curling at the ends with his irritation.

 

"I said no, Spears knew what he was getting into with this mission. There was never a contingency plan should his squad be shot down." The Commanders words were absolute.

 

However the young pilot refused to hear it, tearing off the badge at the breast of his suit and tossing the little metal symbol of the Empire across the desk. "We never leave a man behind, and I sure as hell won't leave William out there. So with all due respect, piss off!"

 

"Lieutenant if you leave this ship so help me when we find you I will try you for treason!" The commander shouted at the young man's back as he left.

 

"I'm coming Will."

* * *

 

William  had to abandon the ship, they were coming and he wasn't even sure what 'they' were. But if the resounding screams from the forest was any indication William did not want to find out.

 

So he ran, he ran until his lungs screamed and his legs burned. He was afraid for the first time in his life, honestly and truly afraid. He stumbled through the darkness looking for any trace of light, any trace of hope, but there was none.  The cold realization that he would not be rescued from this hit him. He had gone into battle knowing the cost, he knew and still he went because the ideals of defending his people and saving them seemed so noble. The idea of dying in battle had not scared him in the least. This however, being torn apart by beasts of this untamed terrain. That was a fate he had not wished for or even considered.

 

He spun around in the darkness jogging the trigger on his weapon; a retractable phaser pole, sweeping the weapon wide around him letting the soft blue illumination flood the area.  Nothing.. Nothing he could see, that didn't mean it wasn't there.

 

Suddenly a deep growl came from his right and Spears slowly turned, his head angling up to the massive creature moving with eerie grace through the trees.  Like some prehistoric throwback meets genetically engineers mistake. He couldn't even identify if it was mammal or reptile with is blotchy skin, not that he was looking to classify a beast with that many razor sharp teeth currently eying him as a midnight snack.

This was it, he was going to die.

* * *

 

Grell pushed his personal craft as hard as it would fly, the small lightweight 2 man ship was streamline and fast, no were near regulation .

 

When the sounds of a fight just ahead pushed the redhead farther he could see the flashing lights of a long weapon. Unfortunately the beastly creature whose visage was brought out of the shadows with every shine of the weapons blast, Grell could tell would be to much for his dear Mr. Spears.

 

"Come on baby smile for mama!" he said flipping a switch as a large rotating pulsar blade dropped from the crafts undercarriage

* * *

 

William had given all he had, he fought with honor single-handedly and now he was sure he was going to die, he thought he been ready but he wasn't, there was so much blood and he was so cold. The beast before him was looming with his jaws open wide ready to consume him until there was nothing left. William closed his eyes and for the first time since he'd been a child he prayed.

 

"Please..please someone...save me."

 

Then he heard it, that hum in the distance amping up louder and louder. The creature turned roaring as bright lights cut through the forest. Above the glare and roaring engine William could see a flash of red.

* * *

 

"w—-iam...Wi—iam...William Please wake up!"

 

When Spears eyes flickered open again he was looking up into the face of his friend Grell Sutcliff, really his only friend.  "w..what?"

 

He was confused as to why he was even alive, the second thing that his him what the thick coppery scent of blood in the air, the next was Grell's appearance. The man was splattered head to toe in smears of red. Yet he was grinning wildly like a kid on Christmas.  

"oh thank the gods your alive... Oh William I don't know what I would have done if.." Grell choked up a bit holding him close. "It's going to be okay Will, your going to be ok I promise. So just stay with me alright?"

 

"y-you came for me?" He questioned lifting a weak hand to cling to Grell's uniform.

 

"Of course I came for you, silly man! I couldn't very well leave the one I love to rot now could I." Sutcliffs teasing tone was now more serious. How many times had the redhead professed his love and William just shook it off as the other Flamboyant personality.

 

"I really do love you, so for me..you have to live William." Grell spoke looking at him with kind eyes pressing a kiss to his temple. "Live for me."

* * *

 

He was  drifting,  floating in the endless void.  Was this death ? Sutcliff had begged him to live an yet here we was, surrounded in this milky haze of nothingness, William had failed to keep the unspoken promise.  It hurt him worse than death because he wanted to live. Not just for the sake of it but for the first time in so long he had something more to leave for that just duty.  He had someone to live for, William wanted to know what that was like; living for another person.  

 

"I want to live." He said to the nothingness around him.  He opened his eyes and looked up into the endless pale that enveloped him. Somewhere high above there was a warmth radiating down, teasing at his skin. He reached out and said again. "I want to live, I have hope now."

Grell as it turned out was not going to be court-martialed as he thought upon returning to base. Apparently someone higher up thought his spunk was commendable. As for William...that was not as happy.

 

The young officer sat at his loved bedside holding the others hand. William's injuries had been far more sever than Grell had thought. The man had been asleep for a month now and the redhead had not left his side for more than a few hours. The infirmary staff had never seen anyone so dedicated when the circumstances where so bleak.

 

It was another day ike every other had been for the past 30 days, Another month with out the dark-haired stoic man to scold him about rules and regulations or just cleaning up his side of the barracks. Grell missed that, for all the times he told William to lighten-up he found that with out the mans constant presence in his life he to began to see things differently. Grell took more care with his uniform and picked up after himself, he no longer harassed the other officers or attempted to flirt with his commanders just to try and get a reaction out of them. He became more thoughtful because, in a way he wanted to fill the void William had left.

Sitting there once again at Spears side, Grell began to read the daily war reports. Things where looking better on the front, they had pushed the enemy into retreat and the high command issued a projected end date for combat to be by the end of the year.

 

"Do you hear that Will darling, we can have some peace. I was thinking of maybe leaving the service once this was all over you know. Maybe taking that settlement offer to go and work in the new outposts. You really should wake up so you can come with me, we could maybe even go and find a place together. I hear this planet still has roses. You remember how much I love those pictures in the old history books. I could grow them in our own little garden. Just you and me."

 

"Red roses I suppose..maybe even some irises."  a voice croaked from the bed.

 

Grell looked over wide-eyed.."William!oh William!" he cried practically throwing himself at the man sobbing as weak arms encircled him.

 

"Enough of that now Sutcliff, I shan't have you making a scene. I would still like an honorable discharge you know."

 

The redhead sat back wiping his eyes, "your really here.."

 

"Of course I am, I had you waiting for me."

 

_**~~I am with you; I will carry you through it all; I won't leave you; I will catch you. When you feel like letting go. Cause your not, Your not alone~~** _

 

 


	39. I'll be there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Undertaker/Grell  
> \- I'll be there - Reba McEntire

This happened sometimes, sometimes it just all became to much and the world pressed on him like a thousand tiny shards of glass. The darkness consumed and stole his breath and the panic set in. 

Just like every other time Grell ran, as far away from everything as he could get. Out of the shinigami realm and into to the rainy London night. He went where he thought there would be no one else around. 

The Graveyard.

Crumpling to the muddy earth the redhead felt like his heart was being crushed in his chest.   
  
_Useless... Worthless........ Trouble maker...... Why can't you do anything right .... Freak._  
  
However, he wasn't as alone as he thought. Someone was watching, someone had always been watching ever so quietly as the crimson death gods break downs became more and more frequent. Tonight that someone could no longer stand by and wait for the sobbing to cut into pitiful coughs. Could not pretend to be an unaffected observer.

Because in truth, he hadn't been unaffected for sometime now. So silently the figure draped in black bounded across the monuments and headstones, dropping as quiet as Death Himself. Then again...that's just what He was. 

Grell felt warmth settle around his shoulders and shroud him from the chilling rain. He rose his head and found only spindersilk hair as drenched as his own and a kindly smile. 

"Undertaker?" He smiled and parted his snowy fringe, those piercing eyes cutting deep into Grell's very soul.

" come now m'dear, lets get you out of this rain shall we?"  
  


* * *

 

It started over tea and biscuits, a shoulder to lean on, someone to listen. Slowly it became more, because Grell realized something about the legendary reaper.Undertaker was just as lonely.

* * *

 

Grell wondered into the mortuary basement one winters evening, spying the man in question quietly carving a casket.

" Undertaker.." he called out cautiously. The redhead had been rejected often enough to know how this might end. How this time if he miss judged things not only would he lose in love but he would lose the only friend he has.

The silverette looked up with his usual smile. " Well hello m'dear, what brings you by on such a frosty night? Shouldn't a little rose be tucked safely away from the chill?"

Sutcliff silently crossed the workshop, stepping out of his shoes at the door and allowing his coat fall from his shoulders half way. He stopped before the ancient reaper taking the mans face in his slender hands.

"I'm right were I should be.. The only place I feel warm." Grell said looking down at the questioning face of the older man before leaning down to steal a gentle kiss. 

His heart pounded hoping against hope this had not been a mistake.

When he pulled away the Undertaker looked shocked, blinking in disbelief at the younger man. Grell felt himself shatter.

"I... I'm sorry .. I shouldn't have... please don't hate me!" He stammered and turned dashing up the basement stair and out of the alleyway door into the snow.

It took the embalmer a moment but he soon fallowed the blur of red out into the bitter cold. Spotting the shinigami barefoot and unprotected against the falling ice crystals. " Grell wait!"   
  


* * *

 

Undertaker found him, right were he always found the crimson shinigami. This time the redhead was on his knees before the grave of his former Mistress. 

" I did it again Ann, I ruined it just like I always do. Sometimes I think the only noble thing I have ever done was save you. Even if I had to kill you." Grell spoke sadly 

"You didn't ruin anything m'dear."

Grell shot up at the voice leaning aback against the grave stone as the legendary shinigami approached, he found himself frozen in place by the sigh of the silverette.

Gone where the frumpy robes and ratted top hat, the man looked like a god draped in tight fitting black leather. His coat flaring in the night air and massive arched blade of his scythe curving into the star speckled night. Undertaker was the image all death gods strive for and it showed against the wintry backdrop of the cemetery.

Grell found himself trembling at the other mans presence as he drew ever near.

" You could never ruin anything." The silverette said taking Grell's chin in hand tiling it up just so before claiming it with his own. 

The crimson shinigami melted into the kiss, his arms slowly winding around the taller males muscular form. Their parting left him breathless, " What dose this mean what.. What are we to each other?" 

"It means m'dear, I'll be what ever you need and most of all I'll be here."


End file.
